Dave Barry Gift Guide

Camouflage Toilet Seat


$49.99 plus shipping and handling from Cabelas, 1 Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160; 800-237-4444; www.cabelas.com

Picture this scenario: You are a hunter in the forest. You need to kill a deer so you can tie it to your car and take it home and put it in your freezer and enjoy many hearty meals of venison at a cost of — when you factor in the price of your gear, your hunting trip, and your divorce because your wife really hates venison — $13,687 per pound.

You’re wearing a camouflage jumpsuit, camouflage hat, camouflage gloves, camouflage boots, camouflage face paint, camouflage contact lenses and camouflage dental implants. The deer cannot possibly see you.

But then disaster strikes: You have to go the bathroom. What is worse, you have to make number two. If you use a conventional white toilet seat, the deer will spot it in a second and run away, because it knows instinctively that toilet seats are not a natural part of the forest ecosystem.

But that will not happen if you have this special sportperson’s camouflage toilet seat, which blends in perfectly with the environment. In fact, it blends in so perfectly that you might not even be able to find it. You’ll be running around looking for it, trying desperately not to soil your camouflage boxer shorts. Your deer may very well laugh itself to death, thereby saving you money on ammunition.

We don’t know if there is also camouflage toilet paper available, but if there isn’t, this is not the nation we thought it was.

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