Dave Barry Gift Guide

Head Spa Massager

Head Spa Massager
Head Spa Massager BOB EIGHMIE

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Edmund Scientific, 60 Pearce Ave., Tonawanda, N.Y. 14150, 800-728-6999; www.scientificsonline.com

Suggested by Lorrie Gunde of Catonsville, Md.

Are you stressed out and ''uptight?'' Do you often feel tense? Would you like to enjoy the kind of physical relaxation and peace of mind that result from looking like the biggest dork on the planet?

If so, you -- or the lucky individuals on your holiday gift list -- need the Head Spa Massager. According to the manufacturer, when you put this on your head, ''it's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp.'' That's right: not just a few dozen tiny fingers, but thousands of tiny fingers. Simultaneously.

The manufacturer suggests that you wear the Head Spa Massager ''on your morning commute in traffic'' or ''at your desk at work.'' We have no doubt this would make a strong impression on co-workers and the public.

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: I'm here to see Mr. Johnson about making a large purchase.

RECEPTIONIST: That's him over there.


You might be surprised to learn that the Head Spa Massager is mandatory headgear at all meetings of the Federal Reserve Board.