Dave Barry Gift Guide

Talking Fly Swatter

Talking Fly Swatter
Talking Fly Swatter BOB EIGHMIE

$14.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com

Suggested by John DeGroff

of Warsaw, Ind.

Here's a situation you've probably found yourself in numerous times: You have killed an insect with a fly swatter, and you naturally wish to mark the occasion by triumphantly mocking the dead insect with a clever and cutting remark. If you're using an ordinary fly swatter, you have to make the remark yourself, manually. But not if you're using the talking fly swatter! This ingenious product harnesses the power of electronics to emit various hilarious insults, including -- prepare to be amused -- ''Die, sucker!''; ''Flight canceled!''; and ''Hasta la vista, baby!'' Ha ha! Take THAT, dead insect!

The only problem we see is that if you miss the insect, the talking fly swatter will still emit the triumphant mocking remark, in which case you're going to look like a moron. But that's a risk we are willing to take.