Miami Herald Logo

Classic '95: DUCK! | Miami Herald

×
  • E-edition
  • Home
    • Site Information
    • Contact Us
    • About Us
    • Herald Store
    • RSS Feeds
    • Special Sections
    • Advertise
    • Advertise with Us
    • Media Kit
    • Mobile
    • Mobile Apps & eReaders
    • Newsletters
    • Social
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Google+
    • Instagram
    • YouTube

    • Sections
    • News
    • South Florida
    • Miami-Dade
    • Broward
    • Florida Keys
    • Florida
    • Politics
    • Weird News
    • Weather
    • National & World
    • Colombia
    • National
    • World
    • Americas
    • Cuba
    • Guantánamo
    • Haiti
    • Venezuela
    • Local Issues
    • Crime
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Health Care
    • In Depth
    • Issues & Ideas
    • Traffic
    • Sections
    • Sports
    • Blogs & Columnists
    • Pro & College
    • Miami Dolphins
    • Miami Heat
    • Miami Marlins
    • Florida Panthers
    • College Sports
    • University of Miami
    • Florida International
    • University of Florida
    • Florida State University
    • More Sports
    • High School Sports
    • Auto Racing
    • Fighting
    • Golf
    • Horse Racing
    • Outdoors
    • Soccer
    • Tennis
    • Youth Sports
    • Other Sports
    • Politics
    • Elections
    • The Florida Influencer Series
    • Sections
    • Business
    • Business Monday
    • Banking
    • International Business
    • National Business
    • Personal Finance
    • Real Estate News
    • Small Business
    • Technology
    • Tourism & Cruises
    • Workplace
    • Business Plan Challenge
    • Blogs & Columnists
    • Cindy Krischer Goodman
    • The Starting Gate
    • Work/Life Balancing Act
    • Movers
    • Sections
    • Living
    • Advice
    • Fashion
    • Food & Drink
    • Health & Fitness
    • Home & Garden
    • Pets
    • Recipes
    • Travel
    • Wine
    • Blogs & Columnists
    • Dave Barry
    • Ana Veciana-Suarez
    • Flashback Miami
    • More Living
    • LGBTQ South Florida
    • Palette Magazine
    • Indulge Magazine
    • South Florida Album
    • Broward Album
    • Sections
    • Entertainment
    • Books
    • Comics
    • Games & Puzzles
    • Horoscopes
    • Movies
    • Music & Nightlife
    • People
    • Performing Arts
    • Restaurants
    • TV
    • Visual Arts
    • Blogs & Columnists
    • Jose Lambiet
    • Lesley Abravanel
    • More Entertainment
    • Events Calendar
    • Miami.com
    • Contests & Promotions
    • Sections
    • All Opinion
    • Editorials
    • Op-Ed
    • Editorial Cartoons
    • Jim Morin
    • Letters to the Editor
    • From Our Inbox
    • Speak Up
    • Submit a Letter
    • Meet the Editorial Board
    • Influencers Opinion
    • Blogs & Columnists
    • Blog Directory
    • Columnist Directory
    • Andres Oppenheimer
    • Carl Hiaasen
    • Leonard Pitts Jr.
    • Fabiola Santiago
    • Obituaries
    • Obituaries in the News
    • Place an Obituary

    • Place an ad
    • All Classifieds
    • Announcements
    • Apartments
    • Auctions/Sales
    • Automotive
    • Commercial Real Estate
    • Employment
    • Garage Sales
    • Legals
    • Merchandise
    • Obituaries
    • Pets
    • Public Notices
    • Real Estate
    • Services
  • Public Notices
  • Cars
  • Jobs
  • Moonlighting
  • Real Estate
  • Mobile & Apps

  • el Nuevo Herald
  • Miami.com
  • Indulge

Dave Barry

Classic '95: DUCK!

BY DAVE BARRY

    ORDER REPRINT →

March 05, 1995 12:00 AM

This Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, March 5, 1995

The problem with hunting, as a sport, is that it's not competitive. A guy with a shotgun squats in a swamp; an unarmed duck with an IQ of maybe four flies overhead; the guy blasts the duck into individual duck molecules. Where is the challenge here? Where is the contest?

Fortunately, I have a solution. It came to me as I was reading the fall 1994 issue of Global Gas Turbine News, which was sent in by alert reader Joe Born. On the off-chance that you don't subscribe, I should explain that Global Gas Turbine News is a publication written by, and for, Martians. At least that's the impression you get from reading it. Here's an actual quote from a letter to the editor:

"Research to determine optimum blade loading, including optimum backward curvature of blades at outlet, effectiveness of separate inducers, placement of splitter vanes, and diffuser design should now be considered.

Sign Up and Save

Get six months of free digital access to the Miami Herald

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

#ReadLocal

Sounds good to me! I say we show our support for this cause by holding a mass rally and chanting catchy slogans ("WHAT DO WE WANT??" "RESEARCH TO DETERMINE OPTIMUM BLADE LOADING, INCLUDING . . . ").

Anyway, the big article in the fall issue is headlined Bird Ingestion Into Aero-Engines. The article concerns efforts by engineers to deal with the problem of birds getting sucked into jet airplane engines during takeoff and flight; this can damage the engine, and even make the plane crash. Also it is no picnic for the bird.

So according to the article, engineers are always trying to develop more-bird-resistant jet engines. To test these engines, they have developed -- here's the good part -- a gun that shoots ducks. When I say "a gun that shoots ducks," I don't mean "a gun that shoots AT ducks." I mean "a gun that you load an actual duck into and shoot it out the end, like a big feathered bullet." Engineers use the gun to shoot ducks at test aircraft engines so they (the engineers) can see what happens.

(NOTE TO ANIMAL LOVERS: The article states that, before being shot, these ducks are "humanely killed." The article does not state whether this procedure involves feeding them airline cuisine.)

No doubt you've already figured out where I'm going with this. I'm thinking: Let's take some of these duck-shooting guns, and let's camouflage them, and let's hide them in areas known to be infested by duck-hunters, and let's install some kind of sonar-guided, computerized aiming system on them, so that when a sensor detects a shotgun blast, it immediately fires a high-velocity duck at the source. Think how much more exciting the sport of duck-hunting would be if the hunter knew that, every time he fired his gun, he would immediately have to dive headfirst into the swamp muck, or else run the risk of getting hit by a deceased mallard traveling at upward of 170 miles per hour.

At this point, you probably have a couple of questions, namely:

Q. Would such a program be safe?

A. Naturally, before we started shooting ducks at actual human beings, we would conduct safety tests in which we would fire a wide variety of waterfowl at humanely selected scientists from the Tobacco Institute.

Q. Would this program pose a National Security threat to the president of the United States, who sometimes demonstrates his personal masculinity by shooting birds?

A. This would not be a problem, because the president is protected by Secret Service agents chosen specifically on the basis of their willingness to, in the line of duty, step in front of a duck.

Q. What about deer hunters? Can we use the same technology to make their sport more exciting?

A. Tragically, at this time we do not have a gun capable of accurately firing an animal the size of a deer, although I would strongly support a project to develop one, using, as test ammunition, humanely sedated Tobacco Institute scientists.

But until we perfect a deer gun, we can go with an interim solution suggested by a Jan. 12 article in the central Pennsylvania Centre Daily Times, written by Jerilynn Schumacher and sent in by alert reader Paul Dietzel. This article concerns efforts by the Pennsylvania Army National Guard to help a group of endangered animals called "fishers," which are described as "house-cat-sized members of the weasel family" (I am not making any of this up). The article states that, to feed some fishers in a remote area, "Guardsmen dropped 17 frozen, road- killed deer and 100 pounds of dead, smelly fish from a Chinook helicopter as it flew 50 to 150 feet above the ground."

I can think of few events that would add more "zing" to a hunting expedition than the possibility of being squashed like a plump gun-toting grape by the frozen carcass of a mature, fish- encrusted deer (or, if there are any left over, a Tobacco Institute scientist).

If you're as excited as I am about using the National Guard for this purpose next deer season, I urge you to write a letter to this nation's supreme military commander, "Newt" Gingrich. If, however, you are in any way offended by any of the proposals I have made in this column, please let me know, because I care what you think. So send your letters of complaint directly to me, Patrick Buchanan, c/o Editor, Global Gas Turbine News, 2038 George Jetson Way, Mars. Or, for a faster response, just lean out your window and shoot. Then duck.

© 1995 Dave Barry This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this column at http://www.miamiherald.com may be posted or distributed without written permission.

  Comments  

Videos

Dave Barry’s 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

Dave Barry's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

View More Video

Trending Stories

Patriots owner Robert Kraft is among the hundreds charged in Florida sex traffic sting

February 22, 2019 12:23 PM

Trump threatens to deport Venezuelan military officials’ families that have fled to Miami

February 22, 2019 07:21 PM

It’s about to get easier for legal immigrants in Miami to get their papers. Faster, too.

February 22, 2019 03:14 PM

Government preparing to be sued in 2023, when the Keys stop issuing building permits

February 23, 2019 07:00 AM

Venezuelan aid convoys meet fierce resistance; 2 killed

February 23, 2019 10:23 PM

Read Next

Dave Barry’s Year in Review: Is there anything good we can say about 2018?

Dave Barry

Dave Barry’s Year in Review: Is there anything good we can say about 2018?

By Dave Barry

    ORDER REPRINT →

December 26, 2018 08:00 AM

Humorist Dave Barry sums up 2018 in his latest year in review: More talk of Russians and the Mueller probe, more semiliterate tweets from President Trump about fake news, and the debut of Dr. Pimple Popper.

KEEP READING

Sign Up and Save

#ReadLocal

Get six months of free digital access to the Miami Herald

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

MORE DAVE BARRY

Dave Barry: Sorry, I'm not feeling funny today — my heart aches for slain journalists

Dave Barry

Dave Barry: Sorry, I'm not feeling funny today — my heart aches for slain journalists

June 29, 2018 11:58 AM
Dave Barry: On Father's Day, don't forget the soccer dads — or their 'warrior' daughters

Dave Barry

Dave Barry: On Father's Day, don't forget the soccer dads — or their 'warrior' daughters

June 14, 2018 08:00 AM
Dave Barry’s 2017 Year in Review: Did that really happen?

Dave Barry

Dave Barry’s 2017 Year in Review: Did that really happen?

December 29, 2017 07:00 AM
Dave Barry’s 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

Dave Barry

Dave Barry’s 2017 Holiday Gift Guide

November 24, 2017 07:00 AM
Even with Irma knocking at our door, we here in Miami are NOT FREAKING OUT AT ALL!

Dave Barry

Even with Irma knocking at our door, we here in Miami are NOT FREAKING OUT AT ALL!

September 07, 2017 07:42 AM
What if the Russians hack the eclipse? Dave Barry answers your celestial questions

Dave Barry

What if the Russians hack the eclipse? Dave Barry answers your celestial questions

August 15, 2017 07:30 AM
Take Us With You

Real-time updates and all local stories you want right in the palm of your hand.

Icon for mobile apps

Miami Herald App

View Newsletters

Subscriptions
  • Start a Subscription
  • Customer Service
  • eEdition
  • Vacation Hold
  • Pay Your Bill
  • Rewards
Learn More
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Newsletters
  • News in Education
  • Public Insight Network
  • Reader Panel
Advertising
  • Place a Classified
  • Media Kit
  • Commercial Printing
  • Public Notices
Copyright
Commenting Policy
Privacy Policy
Terms of Service


Back to Story