Dear Abby: My husband and I were chatting recently and the subject of sperm donation came up. He surprised me by saying he’s vehemently against it, and then compared it to selling your body as in prostitution. He also mentioned he thinks it’s disgusting because any kids we would potentially have might end up dating their half-siblings. We let the issue drop, but Abby, I have a secret.
In my early 20s, I participated in an egg donation program to support couples who were unable to get pregnant on their own. At the time, I didn’t think much about it. I didn’t want kids — and I doubt if I ever will — so I figured it was my contribution to the gene pool without having to raise little humans myself.
I never told my husband about it because it happened before we met. I do know that some of my eggs were successfully transplanted.
Should I tell my husband about my donations or keep quiet? We don’t have kids, but are talking about trying in the near future. Would it be wrong for them to go out into the world not knowing about their half-siblings?
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The time to have spoken up was when your husband aired his feelings on the subject of sperm donation and infertility issues. You did a wonderful thing and with good reason. Your husband should be made aware of that, with no apologies.
If you do decide to start a family, considering that there are half-siblings out there, it would be wise to advise your children to have genetic testing done with their prospective spouses. (Because there are diseases caused by recessive genes, it’s a good idea anyway.)
However, unless you are sure that you want to bring a child into this world, you shouldn’t become a parent.
Dear Abby: I am 29 and on the fence about what to do. My 32-year-old boyfriend of a year and a half, “Aiden,” proposed while we were in Europe last month. Aiden is a sweet guy who would do anything for me. I waffled and said I had to think about it. He bought a lovely engagement ring that he still has in his possession. We do not live together.
Aiden says he’s certain he wants to spend his life with me. My problem is, I don’t want to marry him. I am a professional, and Aiden is a tradesman with no money. Even though he kisses the ground I walk on, I don’t think I’d be happy in the long term with him and would always wonder if I could have done better.
On the other hand, I am almost 30 and want children. It seems that nice guys who want to commit are in short supply. Should I settle for Aiden? Breaking up with him, as I did a few months ago for a couple of weeks, would crush him. But he has little social life and no hobbies — just me.
Nice guys who want to commit may be in short supply, but please do THIS nice guy a favor and end the relationship before you hurt him any more than you already have. Tradesmen can be good providers, husbands and fathers, and Aiden has much to offer a woman who can appreciate him fully. Clearly, that’s not you, so let him go.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.