This is a cautionary tale for the children of South Florida (and everywhere else).
We – meaning you and us mothers – are going to be spending a lot of time together in close proximity over the next three months. You may not be aware of this because we are so loving and kind all of the time, but there is a lot of impatience, annoyance and frustration bottled up inside us moms that we release steadily while you’re at school, like hot air slowly squeaking out of a balloon.
We don’t get that slow release time when we’re all sharing the same space and “quality time” together in the summer.
Hour after hour. Day after day. Month after month.
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Like that balloon, the slightest pinprick can cause us to POP.
Explode. Lose our cool. Unleash our can of Mom Whoop A** (MWA) all over the place.
There is no rhyme or reason, or even rationale explanation, for what triggers a MWA explosion. Just know that it is very, very bad.
I know because one of the biggest fights I ever got into with my own mother was when I used up all the ice and did not replenish the ice cube trays before putting them back in the freezer one summer. (This was back when times were much tougher and refrigerators did not have automatic ice dispensers.)
My mother is a gentle, petite, soft-spoken woman.
But you do not want to be on the receiving end of her MWA.
Because I love you and because I want you to live a long, healthy life, you need to beware and avoid these MWA triggers between June and August.
MWA Trigger #1: Sleeping all day
11 a.m.? OK. Noon? Maybe. But 3 p.m. makes me really, really crazy. I spent the first 5 years of your life begging you to go to sleep. Do not make me spend the next five screaming at you to get up before sunset.
MWA Trigger #2: Short shorts
When you expose your butt cheeks, you are making a statement to the world about my poor parenting skills.
MWA Trigger #3: Changing my radio station in my car
Don’t touch the dial.
MWA Trigger #4: Not coming when I call you for dinner
I work all day then I come home and cook you dinner. Don’t take that for granted by disrespecting the dinner hour.
MWA Trigger #5: Complaining about summer day camp
Be happy you have something to do. Or else you could end up committing MWA Trigger #1.
MWA Trigger #6: Dirty dishes in the sink
This is the equivalent of an empty ice cube tray for me.
MWA Trigger #7: Asking me to buy you something at Abercrombie & Fitch
Can’t stand the pounding music, the over-perfumed dark space, the idiot CEO or the eating disorder-inducing jeans. Keep walking.
That’s just for starters, but you get the picture. Feel free to add to the list, moms. And kids, be safe this summer!