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Wet Nurses to the World

I think I've hit upon a solution for world hunger and our climbing unemployment rate. Thank Salma Hayek. A film of the voluptuous actress nursing a starving baby in Sierra Leone recently made the rounds on the Internet. Just about everybody has chimed in about the two-minute booby moment, from nursing advocates who applaud Hayek's aplomb to others who thought it was plain gross to the predictable crowd of gawking men who want to get in line to belly up to Salma's bosom.

Me? All I see is a brilliant strategy for fighting infant malnutrition and employing out-of-work moms. Let's outsource our breast milk. As a nation, we could recruit lactating women and parachute them and their mammary glands into developing countries to feed starving children. Think about the possibilities. These busty brigades of women could do more for humanity with their tits than our troops have done with their bazookas for the entire history of U.S. military. Talk about foreign aid. Miracle mammaries to the rescue. All hail the red, white and boob.

With Hayek as their spokesmodel, this army of women could save millions of lives in Ethiopia, Haiti, Somalia, Bangladesh and the Sudan. One life-giving breast at a time, they would improve our country's image throughout the world. And they would fill out one-heck-of-a uniform with their food banks.

The World Health Organization says hunger is the gravest single threat to the world's public health. Poor or non-existent breastfeeding causes 1.4 million child deaths a year. One in five children die before reaching their first birthday in Sierra Leone, where Salma, 42, let a hungry infant latch on to her ta-ta (see the video at

Wet nursing used to be an accepted practice in many cultures, including Victorian Britain, where it was common among the rich. Formula milk put an end to all that, although we're starting to hear more and more about cross-nursing. Last year, a female Chinese police officer was hailed as a hero after breastfeeding several infants orphaned by China's horrible earthquake. The octuplets of serial babymaker Nadya Suleman are receiving donated breast milk.

If you've ever read The Grapes of Wrath, you'll remember the book ends with Rose of Sharon, still grieving her stillborn baby, breastfeeding a starving man. It's the first unselfish thing the young woman does and, if I recall my high school English teacher's take on this correctly, the act represents the full circle of human unity, even under the bleakest of circumstances.

So how 'bout it? Would you, like Rose of Sharon and Salma, share the bounty and use your mammaries to save the world?