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Who's Your Daddy?

Hey moms, if you're suffering from those nagging doubts over which dude fathered your child, there's now a quick remedy.

Amid the packs of Trojans and Vagisil tubes on the shelves of your neighborhood drug store, you can now find the Identigene DNA Paternity Test Kit, the first over-the-counter kit of its kind to be sold in major retail stores (www.dnatesting.com). A press release sent out Monday by the manufacturer claims that more than 50,000 people have purchased the paternity test kits nationwide since sales started nine months ago. In Florida, CVS stores started selling the kits this summer.

I can see the shopping list now. "OK, honey, here's what I need on your run to the store: toilet paper, toothpaste, tampons and, oh yeah, don't forget that DNA test kit so we can finally put those questions to rest 'bout little Ashley."

The test uses DNA samples of saliva or cheek cells. All a curious mom needs to do is swab the mouths of the baby and alleged father and send the samples in a postage-paid envelope to Identigene for processing. Results are available within three to five business days. (You also need consent from the guy you're swabbing, but since most men I know snore all night with their mouths wide open, you know there's a way around that.)

This could have made life a hell of a lot easier (or not) for Chris Rock, Robert De Niro, Eddie Murphy, Wesley Snipes, Julio Iglesias, Engelbert Humperdinck, Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan and countless other athletes and stars who have been accused of populating our planet like globe-trotting, sperm-planting Johnny Appleseeds. Anna Nicole Smith also could have saved us from scads of tabloid journalism over the disputed dad of Danielynn if she had just picked up one of these kits while purchasing the 10 prescription drugs that ended her life in Florida last year.

The kit's Salt Lake City-based manufacturer says the "peace-of- mind" test results show a probability of paternity greater than 99.9 percent. The kits sell for $29.99. The lab processing fee is another $119. There's a $319 option available for customers who want to use test results in legal proceedings.

Somebody better clue in Iglesias and All The Girls He's Loved Before. "If I had to take a paternity test for every girl who says I got her pregnant, I would never have any time to sing," the suave Latin crooner once boasted. Yo Julio, hope you don't snore.

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