What's with all the hubby rehab? First Tiger Woods goes into treatment to learn not to take the Nike "Just do it" slogan literally. Now Charlie Sheen, charged with domestic violence for a Christmas Day fight with the wife, is back in rehab as a "preventative measure." (It's not clear whether this is to prevent him from overdoing coke and alcohol again or from putting a knife to his wife's throat one more time.)
The misbehaving men are the latest in a long string of husbands who have been sent to time out to straighten up and possibly save their marriages. There's sex addict David Duchovny; Mel "I'm not an anti-Semite, I'm just drunk" Gibson; boozer Keith Urban; Amy Winehouse's opiate-loving ex Blake Fielder-Civil; sex-starved soccer player Ashley Cole; prescription painkiller addict Steven Tyler; slap-happy Bobby Brown, etc., etc.
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I could save these guys a ton of money by sending them back to Mrs. Callahan's class at Blake Private School, where I attended kindergarten in 1971 and learned not to hit, lie or cheat. It's really that simple. But I know sometimes you have to spell things out for the weaker sex. That's why I've come up with a few tips on How to Avoid Rehab and Be a Better Hubby. Feel free to share these with your man or add some of your own.
1. Surprise us and make dinner, and don't expect an Olympic medal ceremony afterward.
2. Two stores we don't want gifts from: Home Depot and Big Lots
3. Toilet seat goes down.
4. Find the babysitter.
5. Groom yourself.
6. "Do you wanna?" doesn't count as foreplay.
7. Two words: "I'm sorry."
8. Put the kids to bed (before midnight).
9. Deal with your side of the family.
10. Body functions should stay silent no matter how many years it's been.