I'm not one of those women who pretends to enjoy watching football. I'm more in the camp of Susan Sontag, who reportedly said, "Watch the Super Bowl? I'd rather be dead in a ditch."
Sontag got her wish six years ago, but I'm still stuck with Super Yawn Sunday. I know, shame on me. I'm perpetuating the sexist view that chicks are anti-sports and too ditzy to get the complicated game. Frankly, I find the slew of "how to enjoy the game with your man" stories in all the women's magazines leading up to the Super Bowl offensive. Please don't try to explain football to me like it's rocket science. 'Cause it ain't. And I'm not impressed that you use Roman numerals.
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Still, Super Bowl parties can be fun if you know how to jazz up those four hours of mind-numbing TV. Some suggestions for this weekend:
1. Get into a pleasant debate with your party hosts about the abortion issue while watching the Focus on Family-Tim Tebow commercial that has women's groups hollering. The Super Bowl ad by the Christian conservative group features the former Florida Gator and his mother in a "Celebrate Family" message. Pam Tebow claims she ignored a recommendation by doctors to abort her fifth child in 1987. Out sprang young Timmy. Discussion question: Would there be more hunky Hiesman winners if Roe v. Wade had never passed? Follow-up NFL conspiracy topic: Why do you think they changed the name to Sun Life Stadium anyway?
2. Make a drinking game out of hackneyed football talk. Every time you hear someone say, "running game," "power offense" or "Good D," take a shot of Bacardi 151.
3. Have a contest to see who can carve the kinkiest crudité. Count the number of times men in the group make sexual remarks about cucumbers.
4. This year's Super Bowl commercials don't sound too promising: $3 million for 30 seconds and all they can give us is that nasty guy from Kiss with the tongue and Don "Isn't-He-Dead" Rickles? So let's talk about the ads we won't be seeing, the ones that got nixed. Like the ManCrunch.com gay dating website commercial that shows two men making out after their hands brush in a potato chip bowl while watching the game. Or the GoDaddy ad that featured a man named Lola. Those commercials ended up in the same rejection pile as last year's PETA ad, "Veggie Love," deemed too racy because it showed sexy women in underwear getting intimate with vegetables. So let's get this straight: The TV networks don't like men having sex with men or women having sex with vegetables. What the heck are we supposed to do during this boring-ass game?
5. Run to the big screen for the halftime show, but don't go expecting anything on the same scandal scale as Janet Jackson's 2004 boob bonanza. This year's entertainment is partially-deaf-child-porn-researcher Pete Townshend and the rest of The Who. Police will be waiting in the wings to protect our children just in case Townshend has a wardrobe malfunction.
6. Take toothpicks from the meatballs platter and stick them in your eyes.