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Mum's the word on wine labels

In the never-ending pursuit of a clever wine label, there's now a trademark fight going on over the use of the word "mommy" on the front of a wine bottle.

Rival wine sellers targeting overworked, wine-drinking mothers (are there any other kind?) are battling in a San Francisco federal court over who has the trademark rights: "Mommyjuice," made by California-based Clos Lachance, or "Mommy's Time Out," an Italian wine marketed by a New Jersey distributor.

I'm here to play mom ref. Dear winemakers, there are plenty of thirsty moms to go around. Just check their sippy cups and count the 111,737 who belong to the Facebook page "OMG I so need a glass of wine or I'm gonna sell my kids."

Every mom knows that nothing gets you through a pile of laundry at the end of a hard day's night like a giant glass of pinot noir. Or two.

So, in the spirit of vino diversity and wine-y moms everywhere, I present these alternative labels for competitors who want a piece of the giant, untapped market of MOMS WHO NEED WINE.

Happily Ever After: A sunny chardonnay that starts on a sweet note; remnants of honey, with a bitter aftertaste.

Taxi Driver: A hard red that appears structured and balanced, but grows increasingly aggressive as practices and game dates multiply.

Play Date: Noble, often satisfying, but sometimes rife with unwanted characteristics.

9 Months in Your Belly: Buttery and bright yet deceptively complex.

Candidiasis: Yeasty, mature wine that spent too much time in the sun in a wet bathing suit.

You Get What You Get (And You Don't Get Upset): An affordable blend designed to please the most basic palates with no apologies.

4 Play: Concentrated and intense, with a quick finish, but would benefit from more time in the bottle.

Power Nap: A moody red that mellows after a few minutes.

Mommy Dearest: Sharp, acidic and aggressive sauvignon blanc with a bite.

Private Moment: Up front, uncomplicated red.

Mad Mom: In the spirit of Mad Men, a full-bodied red with legs as rigid as a gender stereotype.

Early Bedtime Bliss: Full, floral nose; soft and light taste; sweet ending.

Fight Night (Hope That Couch is Comfy): Harsh and off-nose, but deserving.