To: Women who tote around oversized, overpriced purses
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It's not that I care that you're destroying your posture by shouldering that super-sized Lola Patent Hobo ($2,495) or Lanvin Padvoa Sac ($2,160). It's not that it irritates me (much) when you swing around on your Jimmy Choos and whack me with your over-inflated Yves Saint Laurent "Muse" bag ($1,300). It's not that I worry that you're going to pass out from the South Florida heat as you hobble hunchbacked through the streets carrying all that shit in your bloated Prada crocodile "Frame Bag" ($15,090).
It's that after witnessing the big-purse craze for a few seasons now, I've come to believe that the women who schlep around with this expensive arm candy are as socially unconscious as the people still driving Hummers. Why?
People are losing jobs, houses are being foreclosed on. Nobody is impressed anymore by your ability to flash a four-figure handbag. What satisfaction does it give you to display status over most of the American public, who, frankly, would rather use your car-sized purse as a vomit bag?
Big purses are the new McMansions: All show on the outside, empty on the inside. Be careful, that's not a purse snatcher shadowing you, it's a creditor.
Repeat after me: Do not covet thy girlfriend's handbag.
The NPD Group reports that 44 percent of women ages 13 and over have bought at least one bag in the past year, up from 26 percent just five years earlier. The report goes on to say that women with incomes of $35,000 and under say they are willing to pay $200 for a handbag.
The willingness to spend way more than necessary is tied to the trendy belief that handbags are an "investment" and the new signature accessory, the researchers said. They traced the tipping point to 2005, when Doyle New York auctioned off a black crocodile Hermès Birkin with a diamond-covered clasp and lock for $64,800.
I blame the Sex and the City girls. Since women started watching this un-reality show, they barely raise a waxed eyebrow over spending $400 on jeans or $675 on a pair of Manolo Blahniks. While we're at it, let's also blame Martha Stewart, who should know better after hangin' with the down-and-out in the slammer. Stewart, who arrogantly showed up for court with her own hand-stitched, gold-plated Hermes Birkin bag ($11,000), was spotted recently carrying a new Louis Vuitton brown leather Kasbek bag ($1,750). Maybe this is her idea of cutting back?
Like the leading ladies of Hollywood, who seem to think it's fashionable to weigh less than their handbags, we have fallen victim to a cruel, crafty marketing scheme. But I have a solution. If you see a chick sporting one of these expensive, un-ergonomic handbags, knocking small children over in her wake, just tell her this: "Honey, that bag makes your butt look big."