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They shall know us by our bumper stickers

I don't know why everybody is so frantic about Facebook privacy. After spending Memorial Day weekend driving across Florida, I can tell you that people should be more worried about revealing everything on the back of their cars.

Just by driving behind someone on I-95 you find out: how many kids they have, what grades their kids get in school, their political leanings, where they stand on the abortion issue, whether or not they believe in Jesus, what they do in their spare time (surf, hunt, hate), what rock bands they listen to, their favorite sports teams, where their kids go to college, whether or not they eat meat, what branch of the military they belong to, how patriotic they are, how they feel about the war in Iraq and their opinion on immigration.

Why do we feel the need to share so much? There's a reason why Facebook and social networking sites are so popular. We love telling the world who we are and where we stand.

But to me, on the highway, it seems like an invitation to disaster. Who knows what nut case is behind you, boiling with road rage because his kid didn't make the honor roll? Plus, you never know who you might offend. Like when you plaster your bumper with "We won" and "Groovy Chicks for Obama" stickers then pull up for that job interview at the same time as your potential boss, the guy whose car reads "Nobama" and "1 million people attended Obama's inauguration and only 14 missed work."

Do people who put political bumper stickers on their car think they're going to convince somebody driving behind them to switch sides? And what about all those fish and pro-Christian stickers? Do they think they're converting people while they cruise the Florida Turnpike?

Remember those yellow Baby on Board signs? Did people who put those in their back car windows think we'd drive safer around them?

So many bumper stickers today seem designed to piss somebody off. It's our passive aggressive way of getting the last word. Who can respond while you're speeding away?

But sometimes the message backfires. I learned my lesson the hard way. Back when I was a young thing, I had a bumper sticker on my Maverick that read "There's no such thing as a dumb blonde." Until one day I left the gas cap on my trunk and a kindly driver pulled up next to me, laughing and pointing.

Although I'm a minimalist when it comes to the back of my car, here are a few I've spotted that made me smile:

* The police never think it's as funny as you do.

* Without sports, this bumper sticker would be about my honor student.

* Less bombs, more art supplies.

* God please protect me from your followers.

* Egrets? I've had a few.

* Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him.

* Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

* If we're not supposed to eat animals how come they're made of meat?

* Stop global whining.

* I like my men how I like my coffee…ground up and in the freezer.

* Plug the oil leak with Wall Street bankers.

* Straight but not narrow.

* You probably don't recognize me without the cape.

What about you? Do you have a favorite? And would you display it on your car for all to see?

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