In a place where most of the female population sprouts breasts that comprise half their body weight, it's time for some serious tit talk.
I've come to terms with the surgically-enhanced hood ornaments endemic to South Florida. Yes, I admit it can be challenging to be a B-cup in a C-cup city, but that's not where I'm coming from. Ladies, we need to set some serious ground rules about when it's appropriate to unleash those puppies and when and where it's necessary to tuck the twins away.
It's time that you acknowledge that with great breast size comes great responsibility.
The inspiration for some divine guidance dawned on me recently as I watched the parade of cleavage receiving Holy Communion at my neighborhood church. Heaven help us if that wafer accidentally drops into the Great Divide on a Sunday morning in Miami. I don't think this is what the choir has in mind when it sings Nearer My God to Thee.
We've all rocked some cleavage now and then. But we need to stop acting like every day is Mardi Gras and we're racing to win all the beads. The average size of the American breast has grown from a 34B to a 36C. Never has the time been riper for some cleavage conversation. Let me start with some ta-ta talking points that I would like to see instituted in the Magic Mammary City:
· Working it: Never bring a loaded cleavage to the office. Business women must keep in mind that too much exposed boobage can swing back around and kick you in the butt. Inappropriate. Unprofessional. If you want to be taken seriously, button the blouse.
· After-school events: Spectators at soccer, basketball, volleyball and other kiddie events should keep their eye on the ball, not the boobs in the stands. This is not the time to show off your girls, unless they're wearing pigtails. Your children should not have to compete with your cleavage for attention.
· Day Time: Unless you're sunbathing, to display cleavage in a setting that does not involve cocktails and hors d'oeuvres is a provocation.
· Fear of Flying: Think twice before letting the globes spill out when you travel. Twice last year, Southwest Airlines crews asked travelers to modify their clothing, to wear sweaters or to leave a plane because they did not consider the amount of cleavage displayed to be acceptable.
· How much is too much? Being attractive doesn't always mean going for the plunge. Don't look like you're ready to wet-nurse the room at the drop of a bra strap. If you emphasize your sexuality too much, that's all people will see. Let's be honest. Chances are you know in your heart – right beneath that cleavage – if you're overexposing yourself.
· Date night: Nighttime is the prime time to perk up. Dress your breasts to impress. But remember: Good taste dictates that one should show off breast or leg. Only hookers flaunt both.
· How low to go? When your nipples pop out, you've gone too far. As a general guide, the later the hour, the more you can display.