Lacking cash and patience, I have cooked up a brilliant recession-proof plan for making the most money with the least amount of effort: My backside as a billboard.
Notice I said billboard and not bumper sticker. That's because all this eating on the cheap is widening my ad space. It may not be Juicy, but it's available. I'm willing to share this arses-for-ads scheme with you, dear friends, because I believe that as moms we offer the best leasing space out there.
Think about it. Why should little girls and their slutty moms be the only ones with writing on their rumps? Why should Juicy Couture, BCBG and Victoria's Secret get all the free publicity? They should be payingus
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to advertise their bon mots on our jiggling, aging derrières. The bigger the booty, the bigger the bill. Why waste your advertising dollars on a postage-stamp-sized behind when you can get ample space for multiple listings?
Forget Twitter, Facebook and advertising on buses, cabs, radio and TV. Moms and their tushies cover more ground and give you more exposure. Consider the widespread reach of our buttocks: Field trips, Target runs, Disney World weekends, the beach, waxing salons, soccer and baseball games, the birthday party circuit, the public library, the gym, beauty parlors, all those mani-pedi salons, the movies, water parks, Publix, PTA meetings … the pit stops on mom's to-do list are endless.
Fat bottomed girls have made the rockin' world go round for years. It's about time we cash our Botero butts in.
Leasing your posterior isn't new territory. Just recently, Stephanie Lerner, a New York underwear model, sold her ass for advertising space, reports Ad Lab. "It's taut, it's round and it's perfectly shaped to advertise our product," said CEO Laurence Honey of Mom's New England Apple Pie Co.
But you don't have to have a model's tight tush to market yourself. Back in 2005, a casino paid several pregnant women to display temporary tattoos on their rounded bellies, which they agreed to bare at malls and football stadiums. Heck, even my friend Grace in Oshkosh, Wisc., – a self-confessed middle-aged, doughnut-inhaling, back-of-the-pack runner and mother of two – garnered hundreds of dollars in endorsements and ads on her body when she ran in the New York City Marathon five years ago, billing herself as a "slow-moving billboard."
Earlier this year, an online beauty products store in England paid 10 men and women to apply temporary tattoos with the company's Web address on their eyelids. Participants were paid about $149 to wink at people 1,000 times. This kind of pay-per-view thinking holds promise for my own fanny-for-hire project. Along with a name – Moms Doing Da Butt? Tails for Sale? Booties R Our Business? Take A Seat? – we need to work out a per-wiggle charge and consider such questions as whether picking wedgies and scratching should be a plus or negative. Come on, get your butt in the game.