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Lean In, Lean Back, Just Lean the Hell Out of My Life

I am getting really tired of women leaning all over me.

Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's COO, wants me to Lean In and leave work at 5:30 p.m. Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer wants me to lean the other way and give up my flex time, my work-from-home time and most of my maternity leave. Beyonce wants me to lean on a guy to put a ring on it so I can "have it all." Princeton professor and former Hillary Clinton whiner staffer Anne-Marie Slaughter says I should just give up on leaning because women still can't have it all.

Who are these women? And why do they think I need their advice?

I don't like self-help books and I certainly don't like self-help, 10,000-word magazine articles. If you have time to pen one of these suckers, I don't trust you.

I don't know where I'm going to find the answers to my feminist dilemmas, but I know I'm not going to get them from a CEO with a nursery built next to her office or a lip-syncing, gyrating pop icon who calls her HBO bio Life Is But a Dream.

Enough of the privileged manifestos. If you're an overachiever elitist earning triple digits and you have a nanny and housekeeper at home, please don't try to give me advice about how to juggle my mom-wife-career woman life.

I don't have time to read your high-powered, high-minded higher thinking because I'm too busy trying to figure out how I'm going to meet my deadline at work in time so I can pick up my kids after school and conjure up dinner for four from the limp lettuce and leftovers in my fridge.

I may have a few minutes available tonight while I'm leaning in and scrubbing the dirty dinner dishes, but frankly I'd rather listen to my Warren Zevon Pandora radio station.