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Tourists GO HOME!!

I did the wrong thing with my daughter. I taught her to discriminate. Together she and I yell "TOURISTS GO HOME!!!" when waiting in traffic for the obvious tourists to M-O-V-E.

Such not the Miami thing to do as it is constantly drummed into our heads that it's the tourist dollars that keep up afloat: Dear tourists, Thanks for your money, please remain in your hotel pool. You can even have the entirety of South Beach, Joe's Stone Crabs and all.

Tourists are the reason the parking meters are up to $3 for 5 minutes. Enjoy that $450 Corona, tourists. Plus 30% tip to the surly waiter who knows the tip is added on regardless of his presence, or more likely, lack thereof.

It's only the end of November and I'm irritated. But let me clarify, it's not all the tourists I dislike, just the ones who get in the way of my activities. The parks and museums I like are more crowded, and with people who feel compelled to read each and every posted sign while standing smack in the center of whatever. Lincoln Road is a zoo - when you can actually find a parking space. The zoo is, well, just the zoo, thankfully tourists don't like to drive that far but then neither do I. The other tourist attractions I am an annual member of are now entering the months where I'm sorry to be a member. I'm a working mom, I don't want to wait on line an hour while you decide whether to get the family package or the per person deal. You could see the prices on line 45 minutes ago.

I waited out the mosquitos and the heat and now I'm sharing it with a bunch of fair weather "friends".

And what is it with tourists. I am sure they don't act like this in their cities/countries/thatched hut villages. Is it normal anywhere to come to walk four abreast on a sidewalk, meandering turtle slow, or driving at a three-legged turtle pace down 195 because your passenger is videotaping the whole ride from your rented convertable. (Really exciting footage that'll be)

In your place of living do you abruptly cut over three lanes of traffic becasue you're going to miss a turnoff, or disregard one way signs? Hello, there are people who live here and we don't want to die because of you. And it's lovely that you and your friend love our city enough to want to cruise the freeway together on your Vespa, but really, on a workday at 5:30 p.m.? My daughter's waiting. I hope you enjoy my horn as your background sound. And what genius decided to have all the the major roads to Miami Beach under construction at one time at peak tourist season. Miami Herald please follow that graft.

And, tourist, if you rent a Masarati, you're no cooler here than you are back home. You've got something going on in your life that a trip to Florida and driving 90 down a 40 mph road isn't going to fix. Please fix it back home. We LIVE on that street.

Even MY THREE YEAR old knows darn well you can make a right on red but you can not zoom through one.

MORAL: Teach your children to be travellers, not tourists.

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