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Climaxing During Childbirth

Important news for anyone who is pregnant or getting pregnant: you have one more hoop to jump through if you want to give birth the “right” way. For women who have just moved here from the jungle (one without TV or Internet) or have never spent Tuesday morning at a Gymboree, the “right” way is via natural birth. This means a midwife, a birthing tank, and a dolphin. No medicines and no machines and preferably at home even if your ankles were too swollen to have allowed you to wash the bed sheets for the past 3 months.

Now for the perfect birth, add this to your checklist: an orgasm during labor. Yes, an orgasm. Do it, or else you will be shunned by the maternal community and your child will grow up a wretch indeed.

How do I know? A new documentary called Orgasmic Births claims it’s true, labor can give women an orgasm. And in the mom community the word “can” means a definite “should, or else you will be stoned by the collective.”

Can you hear your child now as we fast forward into the future: “Mom, you refused the epidural, you breastfed me until I was 7, you played me classical music, clothed me in organic cloth woven from 20 dollar a thread spider silk, and fed me organic Cheerios. You sent me to ballettapjazzartgymnasticssoccercampyogaswimmingpianofrenchhornspanishfrench classes. You even got me a tutor for the yoga class even though it was my ligaments and not my will that kept me from coming even close to executing the Seated Sun Salutation Downward Dog Spine Twist. But it’s your fault I can't pass English without reading the books. Why couldn’t you have an orgasm during birth? Everything in my life would be perfect if only you did!”

Trust your endorphins, ladies. You must, or else you increase the chances of harming your child, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s this journey that primes fetus Emma, David, Dylan, Alejandro, Bruce, or Ginger for the transition to life outside the womb and YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT.

How can you have an orgasm during birth as your sweating and swearing at the painful contractions ripping your body apart like feral weasels? It’s you. You have the wrong attitude. According to the video, these contractions are the waves of pleasure that moms to be are just too fearful to recognize. When the contractions come, put on some romantic music, surround yourself with giggling friends mercifully anestisized with wine, add soft lighting, a few aromatherapy candles, have your husband whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he gently massages your back, and center yourself into that sweet spot, then all will be well and your body will acknowledge that its really being racked with pleasure as the 9 pound watermelon, I mean baby, pushes it’s way past your g-spot, out of a 10 centimeter hole in your body, and into the world. Of course, there are also women out there who can get off by being tied up and flogged with canes.

As for me, I had an epidural and a c-section on top of a planned birth. Back in my day, we didn’t know about this orgasm-birth thing requirement. Her healthy birth was truly ecstasy enough for me.