This weekend my daughter was in her very first ice skating competition. And it won't be her last. I am hooked. It's Toddlers and Tiaras in real life. Hundreds of little girls in sparkly dresses looking like mini-Vegas showgirls. Lipstick, liner and the legitimizing concept of athletics thrown in.
it was all about the outfits. Many endangered Amazon birds are going naked for the ice skating kids in Florida. As if ice skating kids of Florida wasn't a complete oxymoron, up there with authentic replicas, open secrets, rolling stops and political promises.
Each skater gets one minute of ice time to do a performance to a song. That one minute needs to incorporate about 5 required elements. The kids are grouped into levels and what elements they do depends on what level they're in. The whole time, they're photgraphed as if a National Geographic cover depended on it.
To get a one minute song. Popular songs are sliced diced and stitched back into lyrical Frankenstein's. A good thing for some of the songs. Lola the showgirl never declines, and Rihanna's S&M slips by child services. The kids thought the skater was Batgirl.
My daughter competed against a small group of kids around her age. Well, six of them were close to her age. The 7th wore a training bra. The 11 year old in this group was Michelle Kwan competing against a flock of hazy single digit parrots. Anticlimactically, she-who-could-tie-her-own-skatelaces won.
Then there was the event itself. There was a little pro shop with ice skating oriented things to buy. How many other sports have pro shops featuring light up accessories, rhinestone everything and $227 polar fleece practice outfits with names like Swarovski Candy Swirl.
For lunch we had cake pops.
In our goodie bag was a brochure for Avon products and custom made doll clothes. Make your girl's American Girl doll look like your Skating Princess! And make you skating princess look like a
middle aged hooker!professional skater.
On the way out we parents were reminded to order the wall sized posters of our children competing. If we really loved our kids, that is.