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How My Smartphone Preserves My Marriage, Career & Sanity

I use my phone for everything but talking. In fact, most of the time, the ringer is silenced and even if it weren’t, living in a loud world engulfed by rowdy kids, I’d never hear it anyway. No matter. For me, this tiny device represents the instant entrance and exit of information with the outside world.

Seven examples that support my hypothesis:

1. With five loud kids harassing me at all hours of the day, (and night,) I can mask my chaotic surroundings with a tightly-written text or email and accomplish great things. And, nobody hears the dysfunctional background banter.

2. I can conduct the most serious of business in pajamas, seated cross-legged perched atop my clothes drier, or the commode if I so desire--- in the most professional kind of way.

3. I love my mom. I really do. But, I hate talking to her on the phone because she’s from the old-school of chit-chatters. When she calls me from work, during her lunch break, relaxed and chewing, my blood begins to boil. I prefer to return her call when she’s under-the-gun, swamped, and her boss is breathing down her neck. This guarantees me no more than a 30-second harried phone exchange---rich of information. Sorry mom, but this is more my style.

4. With texting, I can skip all protocol, proper greetings, introductions, and other forms of etiquette expected in the opening of a phone conversation, or email. Texting allows me to get right down to business.

5. Since losing 50% of my hearing in 2006, cell phone calls have become a painful endeavor, if not outright annoying. My defiant, lone hearing ear picks up frequencies and pitches meant for all breeds of canines, not humans. Hence, a “medical excuse” to avoid taking calls.

6. To be honest, I long for the days when smoke signals, telegrams and Morse Code were the prevailing forms of nonverbal communication. In fact, I’m already on my way; I communicate with my children mainly via basic hand signals.

7. The other night hubby and I were out on “date night.” We found ourselves at Starbucks. Feet elevated, and sipping hot chocolate snuggled side-by-side, we sat in a comfortable silence playing with our Smartphones. Don’t judge it; we were both relaxed and having a great time---with an occasional exchange of words.

What’s more perfect than that?