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Ten Surefire Signs Of A Mid-Life Crisis

I considered lying about my age, but I had a change of heart. You’ll figure it out soon enough once you read about my most recent inner conflict. I might as well stop pretending (to myself) that I am still a college student infused with a severe case of wanderlust.

Okay, I still have itchy feet and would love nothing more than to relieve them by walking all over every country on the globe. This time however, not so much as a wild-eyed gypsy-grad-student, but as a Hollywood celebrity. (Breathe, hubby, breathe.)

Despite my failed attempts to let go of my glory days, I honestly still feel 21 at heart. The problem is that with almost 11 years of marriage (to the same Costa Rican with nice calves,) five relentlessly inquisitive kids, and a great many experiences under my belt, it’s becoming less and less convincing. I mean, who has done that much by age 21?

Any shrink would surely define this dilemma as an (early?) mid-life crisis.

Here are ten reasons why I know I’m in denial’s tenacious grip:

1. Despite all the recent falls, injuries and minor concussion I endured months ago, I continue to ride my bike like a reckless teenage-gangster as often as I possibly can.

2. I see all the college students on break for the holidays working out at the gym, and because I am sporting a baseball cap as well, I think I look just like them.

3. Although I consider myself a professional person and (relatively) responsible mother, I enjoy parading around in street clothes that resemble the punk-hip outfit I just bought my nine year-old. (The only difference is that hers flaunts an image of Selena Gomez.)

4. Prior to picking up my kids from school, I shift "mental gears" and pull on a pair of cargo pants, fasten a few carabiners to my belt loops, wrap a fanny-pack around my waist, and prepare for combat.

5. I make my children watch Grease and West Side Story countless times and insist they are the "coolest" movies every made.

6. When we go out to the movies, I ask for the student rate while confidently flashing my student ID card that expired 13 years ago. When the cashier isn’t convinced it’s really me, I start to cry.

7. I watch my children’s television programs to study new dance moves since mine haven’t changed since the mid-80s.

8. I refer to anyone under 35 a "kid."

9. I cannot bring myself to throw out my ragged twenty year-old Florida Gator t-shirt. And, I still wear it proudly out of the house---to my husband's dismay and entire family's embarrassment.

10. I spend each day fantasizing about the great sex I’m going to have with my husband that night, yet once I finally make it to the finish line, (my bed) the protagonists of my fantasies are none other than my mattress and pillow.