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Cost and availability unknown. Purchased at a dollar store near the Key Largo public library.

Suggested by Barbara Hampson-Keller of Homestead

Ask any leading medical authority what is the single most important thing you can do for your health, and that authority will answer: ''Protect your ears from the sun.'' Unfortunately, too few of us heed this advice, which is why, every year, the tragedy of earburn afflicts more Americans than any other single affliction you will see mentioned in this particular sentence.

What can you do about this, both for yourself and for your loved ones? Nothing. We were going to tell you to buy Earshadze, which are these plastic things that you clip onto your hat so they stick out over your ears, thus transforming yourself, with very little effort, into the world's biggest dork. But it turns out that you can't buy Earshadze any more. We apparently own the only pair in existence, sent to us by Barbara Hampson-Keller. We're putting them in the Holiday Gift Guide solely to make you eat your heart out. Ha ha! See you in the Earburn Unit, loser!