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Electronic Message Brassiere

$500 plus shipping and handling from Enlighted Designs Inc., P.O. Box 231548, Encinitas, Calif. 92023-1548, 760-505-3343 (US Pacific Time Zone) (fax 208-723-7139),

If you are a woman who possesses a pair of bosoms, you are probably aware that men look at them from time to time (defined as ''once every .000000000003 seconds''). This is NOT because men are lowlife sex-addict hound dogs. It is a vital instinct that Nature has ``hard-wired'' into males because, back when primitive humans were roaming around being primitive, the very survival of the species depended upon the male's ability to accurately determine, when he entered a group, which group members were females, and which ones were other males, and which ones were trees. That's right, ladies: Next time a guy is taking a gander at your goods, do not be critical of him, because he is only trying to save humanity from destruction, which is also why he is buying you a mojito.

So if men have no genetic CHOICE but to look at women's bazoomage, the logical question is: Can you, as a woman turn this instinct into a means of improved inter-gender communication? The answer is, yes you can. You can wear this electronic message brassiere, which uses an exciting new technology called ''electric lights'' to flash actual letters on your cleavage region, thus forming actual words. Granted, these have to be very short words, such as ''HEY'' and ''WOW.'' But the important thing is, you will be communicating, and without communication, we are nothing more than primitive savages, enslaved by base physical wants. Let us buy you a mojito.

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