Bad news. Because of a sudden, massive power outage in a three-county area in and around Phoenix, Sunday’s Super Bowl unfortunately will not be televised.
But just in case they solve the problem in time and it is shown on TV, here is your viewer’s guide to this evening’s Patriots-Seahawks championship game:
If it appears the footballs are completely deflated and nearly pancake-flat, immediately bet the “under” on passing yards.
Watch for Seahawk Marshawn Lynch’s traditional touchdown celebration: Spiking a bag of Skittles, grabbing his crotch and then not talking.
Follow this story closely as the Patriots’ team doctor surreptitiously attempts to induce labor on Richard Sherman’s very pregnant wife two hours before kickoff.
Pay attention to all the commercials, because they are as anticipated as the game itself according to animal agents and trainers who rent adorable puppies and hat-wearing donkeys to TV producers.
Watch the halftime show, especially Katy Perry’s planned “accidental” wardrobe malfunction 61/2 minutes in as she rides sidesaddle on a Budweiser Clydesdale.
Wager on one of the hundreds of “prop bets.” For example, I bet $50 at 100-to-1 odds that NBC announcer Al Michaels — as the clock winds down and one sideline is celebrating — will have a senior moment, forget where he is and start shouting, “Do you believe in miracles!?”
Finally, do not get carried away at your Super Bowl party. Limit your consumption to 200 chicken wings and three cases of beer, like me.
▪ A Marlins contingent went to Japan to make official the signing of Ichiro Suzuki. He’s in his 15th year playing in the United States but still speaks through a translator. Maybe coming to Miami will finally encourage him to learn our language. Spanish, I mean.
▪ The injury-wracked Heat blew a 16-point lead and lost at home to Dallas 93-72 on Friday night. I don’t wanna say the Heat is desperately shorthanded, but Pat Riley, 69, just hauled his 1972 Lakers short-shorts out of mothballs and is loosening up.
▪ Chris Bosh, asked whether the Heat is “snakebit” with injuries: “I don’t know if it’s a snake, but we’re getting bit and it hurts.” Turns out it is a snake, apparently a Florida cottonmouth loose in the locker room.
▪ The NFL Honors awards show was Saturday night and I couldn’t wait to hear the results. I don’t mean who won MVP. I mean Seth Meyers’ opening monologue, considering his brand of skewering sarcasm and the year Roger Goodell has had.
▪ Some men have a prenuptial agreement to protect them financially. If I were Dolphins cornerback Brent Grimes, I’d have gotten a prenup to protect me against my wife Miko’s tweets.
▪ The football schedule shows Canes at Florida State on Oct.10. Perpetually disgruntled UM fans already are looking into a small-plane rental and a “Fire Golden” banner in anticipation of a loss.
▪ As the Panthers continue to chase a playoff spot, we reflect on the recent NHL All-Star Game with the record-setting 17-12 final. You know how people say hockey needs more scoring? Um, not that much.
▪ Hard to believe Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather spoke in person for the first time at the Heat game the other night. Hope the conversation included the following remark and a nod of agreement: “Dude, we need to fight soon, before we get too old or people stop giving a [bleep].”
▪ Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski, Coach K, won his 1,000th career game. But I won even bigger after investing heavily in predictable media headlines referencing “1K.”
▪ Kobe Bryant, 36, will miss all or most of the season with an injury for a second consecutive year. There is a medical phrase for that. It is: “Time to retire.”
▪ Sentences I Never Imagined Writing (one in a series): “Golden State Warriors will wear a special Chinese New Year uniform, with Warriors spelled out in Mandarin and a goat on the jersey sleeve.”
▪ Sentences I Never Imagined Writing (another in a series): “Pakistani cricket star Haris Sohail was visibly shaken after saying a ‘supernatural presence’ shook his bed at the team hotel.”
▪ A World Cup sailing race just ended in Miami. That reminds me. Officials of the 2016 Rio Olympics say the water to be used for sailing there is filled with raw sewage that cannot be cleaned in time. Question: “Do I really want a gold medal that badly?”
▪ Jeff Gordon revealing 2015 will be his last year racing full time assures the coming NASCAR season will be a farewell tour for him. He will need an extra garage built for all the fishing rods and ceremonial rocking chairs he will get.
▪ Galling sports quote of the week goes to Sports Illustrated director of photography Brad Smith. After SI fired all six remaining photographers in an economic move, Smith said: “Our commitment to photography hasn’t changed.” (Really, he did.)
▪ Alonzo Mourning has been working with young Heat center Hassan Whiteside. So we may expect to see improvement in areas such as Whiteside’s scowling and biceps-flexing.
▪ Parting thought: Tiger Woods drew record crowds to the Phoenix Open in his PGA Tour season debut but flamed out with career-worst 82. Things have not gone well for Tiger lately. Last week: Missing tooth. This week: Missing cut.
Visit Greg’s Random Evidence of a Cluttered Blog daily at MiamiHerald.com and follow on Twitter @gregcote and also on Facebook, Instagram and Vine.
Today: Super Bowl TV ratings. Highest ratings of the previous 48 Super Bowls:
49ers d. Bengals 26-21
Redskins d. Dolphins 27-17
Bears d. Patriots 46-10
Cowboys d. Broncos 27-10
Steelers d. Cowboys 35-31
Note: Last year’s Super Bowl rating was 46.4.
It’s Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl as America parties: “Geez, I hope I bought enough booze and snacks for the party. Can’t wait to see the latest Budweiser ad! Hey, I wonder what Katy Perry’s first song will be? What’s that? The game? Oh, I’ll be watching the Patriots and Seahawks play, but mainly because it leads to the next commercial.”
2. COLLEGE FOOTBALL
National Signing Day looms for UM, others: National Signing Day, sort of the college equivalent of NFL Draft, is Wednesday, and ESPN’s early rankings have Al Golden’s latest Miami recruiting class rated 20th nationally. Perpetually dissatisfied UM fans are unsure whether that’s pretty good but plan to err on the side of disappointment and complaint.
Wade’s latest injury adds to (mostly) sour season: Dwyane Wade’s hamstring likely will sideline him a few weeks, including the Feb. 15 All-Star Game. This will be the fourth season in a row Wade plays fewer than 70 games as Miami fights to stay on playoff pace. The one positive has been Hassan Whiteside. New name: Hassan Brightside.
Let’s find out how good UM men’s basketball really is: The Canes were back in polls at No. 23 then lost at home to mediocre Georgia Tech. Now they face big test Sunday at rival FSU then home Tuesday against No. 10 Louisville. We still need to know how good UM really is. More important, so does the NCAA Tournament selection committee.
It’s championship weekend at the Australian Open: Novak Djokovic faces Andy Murray on Sunday in the men’s final after Serena Williams beat Maria Sharapova for the women’s crown — making Williams 17-2 head-to-head in their lopsided rivalry. Tennis is so predictable! (Unless Djokovic loses Sunday; then I take it back.)