Remember the good old days, Dolphins fans, when your franchise would confine its embarrassment to traditional ways such as going decades without a Super Bowl appearance and hardly ever even making the playoffs?
Sure there were other small embarrassments along the way, such as Ricky Williams’ abrupt, pot-addled retirement, or wooing Jim Harbaugh while they already had a coach, or the orange carpet, or Cam Cameron — but all of these things now curtsy and bow in a we’re-not-worthy gesture to the reigning embarrassment of the fourth-month Bullygate saga.
The NFL’s long investigation by lawyer Ted Wells finally concluded Friday with a detailed 140-page report that substantiated Jonathan Martin’s claims of sustained bullying by Richie Incognito. But it turns out fellow linemen Mike Pouncey and John Jerry — and even doomed offensive line coach Jim Turner — joined Incognito in the harassment, and that a second young lineman and an assistant trainer were targeted victims along with Martin.
Clearly, though, the report paints Incognito as instigator and ringleader.
Nice guy, this Richie. A real sweetheart.
I just got hold of what I believe to be Incognito’s five-point to-do list for the coming week:
1. Go back on Twitter and continue to claim the truth will bury Martin.
2. Visit nursing homes to taunt ailing residents.
3. “Accidentally” knock over tables of Girl Scout cookies and laugh as scouts dissolve into tears.
4. Attend Special Olympics event to mock competitors.
5. Work on physical conditioning and blocking techniques. Wait. Forget that one. No time.• Olympic Spoiler Alert: It won’t air until tonight, but Bob Costas has taken gold in downhill red-eye. Also earlier Sunday in Russia, the United States swept the podium in pairs yodeling, took silver in avalanche skiing, and bronze in Nordic driveway shoveling.
• You know how Olympic biathlon involves skiing and shooting a rifle? Lauren Tannehill is favored for gold in a new offshoot event that involves driving a rental car with a rifle in the backseat.
• The Miami Hurricanes baseball team opened with a win over Maine on Friday. Based on the site of the annual College World Series, we invite Peyton Manning to describe UM’s hopes for the season: “Omaha!”
• LeBron James says in an NBA TV interview to air Monday that he’ll be on Mount Rushmore someday and that “somebody’ll have to be bumped.” I’m thinking the most likely candidate would be Theodore Roosevelt.
• Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game and the Heat’s game at the Thunder on Thursday will continue LeBron’s rivalry with Kevin Durant. (Aside to Durant: It’ll be a one-way rivalry until you beat LeBron in the NBA Finals.)
• Alex Rodriguez dropped his lawsuit against baseball and will accept his full-year PED suspension, and Derek Jeter announced this would be his last season. In other words, it’s likely neither Yankees star will play again after 2014.
• UM men’s and women’s basketball teams both were 12-12 entering the weekend, reminding us that Fortune 500 is a heck of a lot more exciting in business than in basketball.
• Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart, belying his surname, shoved a spectator and was suspended three games.
• A David Beckham spokesman refuted a report that Miami Vice and Miami Current were names being considered for a new MLS soccer team. Still awaiting a groundswell for my suggestion: the Miami Feet.
• NASCAR season opens next Sunday with the Daytona 500. It’ll be good to see Tony Stewart back in a car after six months out with a broken leg. We’ve missed making fun of him.
• Racing legend Richard Petty mocked Danica Patrick’s driving skills. I say Danica should challenge him to a race and smoke his 76-year-old behind.
• The PGA Tour’s South Florida swing nears, with the Honda Classic starting Feb. 27 and then Doral. Remember, golf fans, air horns, vuvuzelas and other noisemakers are not only allowed but encouraged.
• Dennis Rodman, while in North Korea, reportedly vomited, urinated and defecated in his hotel’s hallway. Or, did that go without saying?
• The Westminster Kennel Club’s 138th annual “Best in Show” went to a wire fox terrier named Sky — the only dog to escape unscathed a marauding pack of pit bulls running havoc through the arena.
• A Spanish entrepreneur has invented a biodegradable golf ball that dissolves in water. I’d sooner buy a golf ball that magically materializes when I’m in the weeds looking for it.
• The Tour de France is adding a one-day women’s competition. Hey, it’s about time women cyclists got the chance to prove they are every bit as capable of using PEDs as the men are!
• Lindsay Davenport, Mary Pierce and Conchita Martinez are International Tennis Hall of Fame nominees for 2014, verifying the hall needs to take some time off until better candidates come along.
• Parting thought: The Marlins are slashing ticket prices by 20 to 25 percent. That’s refreshing. Usually they only do that with player payrolls.
Visit Greg’s Random Evidence of a Cluttered Blog daily at MiamiHerald.com and follow on Twitter @gregcote and also on Instagram, Vine and Facebook.