Anybody else want to investigate Dolphins? Line forms here

11/24/2013 12:03 AM

11/24/2013 1:13 AM

Bullygate continues to drone across the Dolphins’ season like a gradual solar eclipse. Do not stare directly. You could go blind or, more probably, insane.

Ted Wells, the New York lawyer appointed by the NFL to investigate the Dolphins’ locker room, has been at the team’s Davie headquarters all week interrogating players, coaches and others along with two associates. (Wells is distinguishable as having the bizarre mustache that somehow is wider than his lips.) An official report is forthcoming.

In addition, the team and its workplace environment are still to be investigated by the NFL players association, by not one but two committees appointed by club owner Stephen Ross, and by a grievance arbitrator, not to mention by any number of lawyers armed with any number of depositions.

This is nothing less than a deep probe of the team’s inner sanctum. Which sounds like a procedure that might require latex gloves.

I believe people investigating Dolphins players now outnumber Dolphins players.

Raise your hand if you, too, would like to investigate the Dolphins! Line forms to the left.

Meanwhile, suspended bully Richie Incognito watched last week’s Chargers game at the home of erstwhile teammate Mike Pouncey, who was too ill to play, but evidently not too ill to have a little party at his house. And on the other coast, bully victim Jonathan Martin enjoyed himself on the sideline during a game at Stanford, his alma mater.

Good to see Richie and Jon are doing OK as the mess they starred in continues to stink up a team and its season.

• I wish you all an early happy Thanksgiving, a tradition since 1621, when Native Americans and Pilgrim settlers first shared a bounty at Plymouth. As I recall it was a perfect day, even though Governor Bradford slightly overcooked the turkey.
• The Hurricanes men’s basketball team will be away and playing on Thanksgiving in the John Wooden Legacy holiday tournament in Anaheim, Calif., opening against George Washington. I’m betting big on UM. Did some research and found out George is 281 years old.
• • FIU yanked guard Raymond Taylor from a game Thursday over eligibility issues, upon learning he’d withdrawn from the NBA Draft after the deadline. Raymond, you’re 5-6. You withdrawing from the NBA Draft is like me withdrawing from consideration for a Nobel Prize in literature.
•  Dwyane Wade is the executive producer of a planned Fox sitcom based on his life as a single dad with two young sons. LeBron James is in talks to partner with David Beckham in the planned Miami MLS soccer franchise. Remember when playing in the NBA was considered a full-time job?
• Fast fact: Greg Cote has appeared in the same number of Heat regular-season games as Greg Oden.
• Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was criticized for prominently and gratuitously including himself in the club’s otherwise heartwarming video of ace pitcher Jose Fernandez’s reunion with his Cuban grandmother. Loria is the anti-Midas. Everything he touches turns to scold.
• Five days until the Nightmare Bowl, aka FIU at FAU. FIU was 1-9 entering the weekend. FAU was 4-6 but saw its coach forced out in disgrace amid drug allegations. The trophy for this game bears Don Shula’s name, which I’m guessing would not rank among Shula’s career highlights.
• GATORS FIRE MUSCHAMP! OK, not yet. But after five consecutive losses entering the weekend, I just wanted to get used to what that headline might look like.
• Brazil’s 5-0 win over Honduras drew a state-record soccer crowd of 71,124 to Dolphins stadium last week. It was like a Dolphins or Canes crowd, only bigger.
• The national bodybuilding championships concluded in Broward. I can think of no disconnect greater than how proud those folks are of their bodies and how the other 99 percent of the population think how comically freakish they look.
• It’s Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady on Sunday. Not Broncos vs. Patriots. Just the two of them, in a fistfight.
• Radio host Marc Hochman will be leaving 790 The Ticket for WQAM, a move of intense interest to Hochman, both stations and the Miami Herald’s Barry Jackson.
• Reminding us that all manner of scandal and shame softens and becomes funny in time if you’re desperate enough for money, a new Foot Locker TV ad includes Mike Tyson handing a small box to Evander Holyfield and saying, “I’m sorry, Evander. It’s your ear.”
• I love Alex Rodriguez angrily walking out of his own grievance hearing in appeal of his 211-game Biogenesis suspension after arbitrator refused to force MLB commissioner Bud Selig to testify. A-Rod is no longer a very good player but leads the league in public-relations missteps.
• Why does everybody keep referring to Robinson Cano as the most highly sought-after free agent when everybody knows he’ll re-sign with the Yankees?
• The Tigers traded slugger Prince Fielder to the Rangers for Ian Kinsler. I think the Rangers got more in the deal. About 85 pounds more.
• Red Sox champs David Ortiz and Shane Victorino are selling shaved clippings of their World Series beards for charity. I would pay big to not have another man’s beard hair in my house.
•  Manny Pacquiao returned to the ring Saturday against [Note to self: Look up name of thoroughly under-qualified opponent].
• Sentences I Never Imagined Writing, one in a series: “Police pulled over Jose Canseco’s car, and in the backseat were two goats wearing diapers.”
• Gold-medal sprinter Usain Bolt in a new memoir credits his success to consuming up to 100 McDonald’s chicken McNuggets per day. Finally, a diet I can relate to!
•  Parting thought: A line of Dennis Rodman signature vodka is to be introduced this week. One shot and you want a nose ring. Two shots and you’re flying to North Korea.

Visit Greg’s Random Evidence of a Cluttered Blog daily at MiamiHerald.com and follow on Twitter @gregcote, Instagram/upsetbird, Vine/Greg Cote and Facebook/Greg Cote.

About Greg Cote

Greg Cote

@gregcote

Greg Cote has been a Miami Herald sports columnist since 1995 and also writes the Random Evidence blog and NFL predictions along with his notorious sidekick the Upset Bird. He has covered Hurricanes football (1984-88), the Dolphins (1990-91) and major events including Super Bowls, NBA Finals, World Series, Stanley Cup, Olympics and World Cup.

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