March 9, 2013

Nothing to see here in March (except everything)

A quick inventory as South Florida plows forward through its all-round busiest sports month:

A quick inventory as South Florida plows forward through its all-round busiest sports month:

LeBron James and the Heat steaming toward a second consecutive NBA championship.

Highly ranked Miami Hurricanes preparing for the Atlantic Coast Conference tournament then an NCAA run.

Marlins Park hosting World Baseball Classic games.

Tiger Woods and the rest of the PGA Tour prowling Doral’s Blue Monster.

The world’s top tennis stars headed to Key Biscayne.

Panthers hosting the Montreal Canadiens.

Dolphins poised to strike big in NFL free agency.

That’s not to mention Gulfstream Park preparing for the Florida Derby, spring training baseball, premier sailors racing on Biscayne Bay and the nation’s top amateur soccer tournament wrapping up in Hialeah.

I’m sorry. What? Were you talking? You’ll have to speak up. I think you were saying something about Miami being such a lousy sports town, but as usual, I couldn’t quite hear you on account of all the cheering.

• Dolphins officials decried the legitimacy of a mysterious local poll indicating 73 percent of voters oppose a tax break to help pay for $400 million in stadium improvements. A previous poll showed 100 percent opposition, but it turned out the only voter polled was Norman Braman .
• The NCAA’s handling of the Miami case got even more farcical with reports an enforcement official beseeched a judge for lenience in sentencing convicted Ponzi schemer/UM booster Nevin Shapiro . I think if we walked into NCAA headquarters right now, we’d see people in tiny Shriner cars riding in circles.
•  Roger Federer said he would not play in Key Biscayne next week, a blow to the annual tennis tournament. Couldn’t we save a bunch of time and effort by just handing the championship trophies now to Novak Djokovic and Serena Williams ?
• New Doral owner Donald Trump said the Blue Monster course would undergo a complete makeover. “I was going to say it was going to get nuked, but I refuse to use that expression,” he said, apparently forgetting that he refuses to use that expression.
• Approved NHL realignment into four larger divisions will have Panthers in the Central division, not Atlantic. So, evidently, all the maps are wrong and South Florida is in fact not on the Atlantic seaboard!
• The Chicago Blackhawks were 21-0-3 with a point in every game entering Friday night, a streak as remarkable as the Heat’s. Dear Chicago: Could you spare a few points for the poor Panthers, please?
• The Minnesota Timberwolves mocked the Heat’s Harlem Shake video, and T’wolves guard J.J. Barea admonished Ray Allen to quit “crying.” Always so cute when the gnat picks a fight with the elephant!
• The UM baseball team started 10-0 before finally losing. Cannot confirm the ’72 Dolphins busted out the champagne.
• Kicker Lauren Silberman , 28, became the first woman to participate in an officially sanctioned NFL tryout, badly muffing two kickoffs, then quitting with a supposed injury. The NFL and women worldwide have agreed to pretend it never happened.
• Bacardi Miami Sailing Week has been going on. Event organizers tried something different this year, draining Biscayne Bay and filling it with rum.
• National Rifle Association will be the name sponsor of the April 13 NASCAR race in Fort Worth, Texas. It will be like any other race, other than all the racecars having gun racks stocked with fully loaded AK-47s.
•  Dennis Rodman , after meeting with Kim Jong Un , was kicked out of a Manhattan hotel bar for loudly and incessantly praising the North Korean dictator. Cannot confirm Kim then threatened the hotel with a missile attack.
• That reminds me. Another adversary of the United States, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez , has died. So strike that name from Rodman’s Lunatic Diplomacy world tour.

WQAM fired Dan Sileo , who calls himself “America’s Most Controversial Sports Talk Radio Host.” Sileo getting suspended or fired is like a rapper getting arrested or shot. Image-enhancing!

• The latest legal challenge to the Washington Redskins nickname is under way in Alexandria, Va. Legal analysts refer to the case as “a royal waste of money and the court’s time.”
•  Todd McShay’s latest mock draft for ESPN indicated Miami will draft Cal receiver Keenan Allen 12th overall. Mark it down: McShay is McWrong.
• A pure-gold replica of soccer star Lionel Messi’s left foot valued at $5.25 million was unveiled in Tokyo. The gold foot went on to score three goals later that day.
• No plans for a Major League Soccer team at Dolphins stadium. Updates as warranted.

• Affirming that reality TV has run out of ideas, ABC has a new celebrity-diving series, Splash , hosted by Greg Louganis . Divers will include Detroit Lion Ndamukong Suh , who presumably will bring back the cannonball and rabbit-punch and kick other contestants.

Dolphins stadium hosted a bunch of lacrosse games. Cannot confirm the event was booked to make Dolphins home crowds seem bigger by comparison.

•  Parting thought: Michael Jordan applied for a license to marry Miami’s Yvette Prieto . It would be his second marriage. Jordan isn’t as good a husband as he was a player, but he is a better husband than he is an owner.

Visit Greg’s Random Evidence of a Cluttered Blog daily at and follow on Twitter @gregcote.

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