On behalf of the city of Miami and South Florida at large I would like to personally welcome to town a special, honored guest, Mr. Timothy Richard Tebow, former Gator, famous virgin, devout Christian, inventor of Tebowing, future politician and innocent tormentor of Mark Sanchez.
I’d also like to announce that Tebow has now become the NFL’s all-time career leader in APPA: Attention Per Pass Attempt.
(Man, they keep stats on everything now, don’t they?)
Tebow currently plays, or rather doesn’t play much, for the Jets. Entering the third game of the season Sunday, he has thrown zero passes and had six carries, much to the consternation of an infatuated New York media eager to fan the dying flame of Tebowmania.
A year ago, Tebowmania was a bona fide phenomenon, organic, justified. He led six fourth-quarter comebacks for Denver.
Now Tebowmania has become a fraud or at least a fading memory. And yet there he is on the cover of GQ’s football preview issue. There he is with his own dedicated page on NFL.com. There he is in the current Vogue, shirtless and pushing a giant 6-foot tire.
It isn’t so much that Tebowmania has expired as that coach Rex Ryan and henchman Tony Sparano have conspired, apparently, to kill it. Men have been tried for lesser crimes.
Jets fans and Dolfans, can we join together as one in a massive “We Want Tebow!” chant?
On Sunday, surely it would be the Lord’s will.
• A fan disgruntled by years of bad Dolphins teams and poor decision-making confronted team general managerJeff Ireland
and said Ireland should fire himself. A stunned Ireland in turn muttered that the man was an “a--hole.” At least that’s what it sounded like he said to me.
• The NFL will have between two and four unbeaten teams left after Sunday, the fewest ever at this point. The 1972 Dolphins just set a team record for Earliest Date, Champagne On Ice.
• Asked this week about allegations of his being a temperamental, dirty player, Dolphins guard
denied the claims, then punted the inquiring reporter into the practice-field bleachers.
• The Cowboys are marketing eyeglass cleaners called “Jerry Wipes,” named for ownerJerry Jones
. Based on Dallas’ recent fortunes and last week, hopefully the wipes can also be used on tears.
• Answer:Vince Young
is broke after squandering $26 million. Question: Who fails to crack the top 1 million of people I feel sorry for?
After Blue Jay Yunel Escobar was suspended for an antigay slur, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen called it a cultural thing and said he jokingly calls his sons that word all the time: “For us it’s like, ‘What’s up?’” Ever notice that Ozzie Being Ozzie isn’t nearly as charming when you’re in last place?
• Marlins presented retiring BraveChipper Jones
with a fly-fishing kit in a ceremony before his final game in Miami this week. Man, how tiny must those hooks be to catch flies like that!?
• The Reds and Nationals were the first two teams to clinch playoff berths. So the Bible was right, then. The meekare
inheriting the Earth.
• FAU played Saturday at No. 1 Alabama (no, seriously), after Owls defensive endCory Henry
boasted the Crimson Tide “can be beat.” A fitting retort from Bama might have been, “We put on our pants one leg at a time just like FAU. Then, once in those pants, we go out and beat them by 58 points.”
• FIU on Saturday played host to No. 20 Louisville, led by quarterbackTeddy Bridgewater
, the former Hurricanes commitment. If the game went like I think it did, FIU is sorry that Teddy ever left UM.
• Atlantic Coast Conference officials welcomed Notre Dame, saying they love the school’s proud tradition almost as much as they love the anticipated goose in revenue sharing.
• Stanley C. Panther was laid off because of the NHL lockout. Is there any sight sadder than a fully costumed mascot at an intersection washing windshields?
• For a third consecutive year, an IndyCar driver namedWill Power
lost a season title that seemed to be his. Suggested new name for Will Power: Jess Mist.
said he’d take a cut in revenue ifFloyd Mayweather Jr.
agreed to fight. (Dear Floyd: Your excuses are running out fast.)
• Somebody told me the early leader in NASCAR’s Chase for the Cup is “Brad Keselowski
.” Could someone please wake me when someone I’ve heard of takes over?
• A minor-league hockey team in Bakersfield, Calif., has offered a contract toJustin Bieber
. Who even knew a minor-league hockey team could be owned by a 12-year-old girl?
said, ofTiger Woods
, “I wish I could put some of my blackness in him.” Tiger was too kind to reply, of Charles, “I wish I could put some of my politeness in him.”
• I just Googled the word “disingenuous” and up poppedDwight Howard’s
full-page ad in the Orlando Sentinel thanking the same Magic fans he maneuvered to leave stranded.
A 1.2-million-pound artificial underwater reef in the design of Stonehenge is planned just off Key Biscayne. The many fish whose avid interests include prehistoric archaeology areso