Submitted by Annette from London, England

Q: I was dating a guy for almost three years and I fell pregnant unexpectedly for both of us. I was 26 weeks pregnant, not only that I was temporarily working my partner at the time was not working due to illegal status in the country. I really wanted the baby, but after so much stress and abuse the baby died inside my womb. I went through months of mental anguish with no support from my partner - Will I ever get over the pain of losing my child?

Answered 12/16/08 11:51:57 by Shirley Malove

A: You have clearly endured an excruciating trauma. Mother/child bonding begins early in pregnancy and loss of a baby at any time is difficult. However, a baby that is lost in later stages becomes more traumatic for numerous reasons. By 26 weeks you had many months to prepare for the baby and as your pregnancy progressed the inevitability of having a child must have felt very real. Such an abrupt ending to your hopes and dreams with your baby is very hard to accept. The financial instability and uncertainty in your situation would leave one feeling alone and frightened about the future. Additionally, the lack of support and care from your boyfriend at that very difficult time was devastating. Nevertheless, it is very important to remember that losing the baby was not your fault. When a pregnancy is lost mothers struggle to understand what happened and frequently feel responsible. Yet, it is extremely difficult to determine the cause of a vast majority of stillbirths. The most frequent findings are linked to umbilical cord problems or chromosomal conditions of which you undoubtedly have no control. Grief over such a loss is certainly expectable. It is a process in which you will likely experience an array of feelings such as sadness, depression, longing, anger, resentment, etc. Acknowledging your feelings is an important aspect of the grieving process. The trauma you have experienced is overwhelming and the intensity of the pain is excruciating. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to process the feelings. The loss will likely never be forgotten, but the intensity of the pain will lessen over time. Perhaps you can locate a support group through the March of Dimes or similar type organization. Finding comfort and sharing feelings with other women who have experienced such a loss is an important outlet for you.