Submitted by Barbara Johnson from Miami, Florida

Q: I do not know if you answer this type of question concerning family relationships. I am in my 50's, my parents divorced when I was 12, I have had little contact with my father as he moved out of the state and remarried. (I graduated college, Am happily married over 30 years and have two teen children) I have tried to maintain a relationship.My father's health is declining, he is in his 80's. He and my Stepmother have made it clear that it is all up to me to call and visit. I visited them alone last summer. We had hoped for a family visit this year but could not work the dates - they were not available. To understand, I made a mistake and contacted a stepbrother and was nicely told they were not well. I then received a very angry call from my Stepmother chastising me for even contacting this stepbrother who's family is dealing with cancer and "they" are all suffering with him. Now I am afraid to call my father as I do not want to be yelled at. I would like to keep some type of contact in my Dad's last years. I cannot be certain that any mail, email or calls would go to my Dad. (My sister has not spoken to them in 10 years) What should I do? If you do answer this question or if it is of interest to you, could you let me know, especially if there is a printed response. Thank you.

Answered 08/08/09 15:35:26 by Shirley Malove

A: Dear Barbara, I hope you read this forum message. I don't have any other way of contacting you. Also, your question and answer is published in the Herald today 8/8/09. Sincerely, Shirley Malove ANSWER: When a divorce occurs, one of the most difficult adjustments for a child is to lose the parent that leaves the family home. However, when your father remarried and moved away, the loss likely gave way to an acute sense of abandonment. Your attempts over the years to reach out with little response or encouragement from him must have been hurtful, confusing and difficult to accept even as an adult. From the beginning of his new life, he neglected a fundamental parental responsibility by ignoring the ways in which his children would be impacted by such emotional abandonment. Nevertheless, there is no simple solution to your dilemma. Evidently, your stepmother exerts a great amount of control over many aspects of your father’s life. Such control has provided her with the power to limit or sometimes sabotage your efforts to establish a consistent connection with your father. Additionally, she clearly delineates and excludes you from the inner circle of her family. However, your stepmother is not the only culpable party. Unfortunately, your father passively colluded with his wife by allowing her to interfere with and micromanage these relationships in the first place. He also joins with her by giving you mixed messages regarding visits. Since your stepmother oversees their activities and acts as gatekeeper, you probably have no other choice than to deal directly with her if you wish to have contact with your father. Making sense of her hostility is challenging, but it may be a reflection of her fragility and recognition of this may be helpful for you. If she is dealing with a terminally ill son and her husband’s failing health, it is quite possible that she is feeling anxious and vulnerable. Experiencing intense vulnerability may lead her to defend against the sense of helplessness with hostility. This awareness may allow you to empathize with your stepmother and not take her outbursts personally. If she yells at or disrespects you, express that you understand she is under tremendous stress, however, you cannot tolerate being spoken to in that manner. If you don’t address the behavior and allow the disrespect, you will likely feel resentful which may negatively affect the limited time with your father.

Submitted by Annette from London, England

Q: I was dating a guy for almost three years and I fell pregnant unexpectedly for both of us. I was 26 weeks pregnant, not only that I was temporarily working my partner at the time was not working due to illegal status in the country. I really wanted the baby, but after so much stress and abuse the baby died inside my womb. I went through months of mental anguish with no support from my partner - Will I ever get over the pain of losing my child?

Answered 12/16/08 11:51:57 by Shirley Malove

A: You have clearly endured an excruciating trauma. Mother/child bonding begins early in pregnancy and loss of a baby at any time is difficult. However, a baby that is lost in later stages becomes more traumatic for numerous reasons. By 26 weeks you had many months to prepare for the baby and as your pregnancy progressed the inevitability of having a child must have felt very real. Such an abrupt ending to your hopes and dreams with your baby is very hard to accept. The financial instability and uncertainty in your situation would leave one feeling alone and frightened about the future. Additionally, the lack of support and care from your boyfriend at that very difficult time was devastating. Nevertheless, it is very important to remember that losing the baby was not your fault. When a pregnancy is lost mothers struggle to understand what happened and frequently feel responsible. Yet, it is extremely difficult to determine the cause of a vast majority of stillbirths. The most frequent findings are linked to umbilical cord problems or chromosomal conditions of which you undoubtedly have no control. Grief over such a loss is certainly expectable. It is a process in which you will likely experience an array of feelings such as sadness, depression, longing, anger, resentment, etc. Acknowledging your feelings is an important aspect of the grieving process. The trauma you have experienced is overwhelming and the intensity of the pain is excruciating. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to process the feelings. The loss will likely never be forgotten, but the intensity of the pain will lessen over time. Perhaps you can locate a support group through the March of Dimes or similar type organization. Finding comfort and sharing feelings with other women who have experienced such a loss is an important outlet for you.