Hi, God, it's me, Pat Robertson. How's everything in Heaven? Clear skies, warm sun and a gentle breeze, eh? Well, it's been raining cats and dogs here in Virginia. But I guess You already knew that, didn't You?
Listen, God, the reason I'm calling: I'm sure You saw in the paper where I've asked the viewers of my TV show, The 700 Club, to join me in a "prayer offensive." You've probably heard from them already; they're more responsive than Pavlov's dogs.
Little joke there, Lord.
Anyway, what we want is, we want You to change the Supreme Court. Frankly, your people have had it up to their keisters - excuse the rough language, God - with the Court. First, they said schoolchildren couldn't be forced to pray to You. Then they said a woman had the right to "choose" whether she wanted to be a mother. Now, the court has struck down an anti-sodomy law in the state of Texas. Left-wingers are calling it a great victory for so-called "gay rights."
But Lord, all us real Americans are terribly concerned. I don't mind telling You, I trembled as I thought about what this awful ruling will lead to. Homosexuals will be allowed to get married. Prostitution will be legalized, and bestiality will be mandatory. Even incest will be tolerated - and I'm not just talking about in your trailer parks either.
Then I realized that the solution is simple: Why don't You just get rid of three of the liberal justices? That way, our president can replace them with good, You-fearing conservatives? As I told my viewers, it shouldn't be too hard, given that one liberal justice is 83 years old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition.
Now, I know what you're thinking, Lord, and no, I'm not exactly asking You to kill them. That's the same thing that darn liberal media has been saying. They've been having a field day at my expense ever since this all began. That twit Paula Zahn treated me like a moron on CNN. Some guy from United Press pretty much called me an idiot.
But God, You and I know You wouldn't have to kill them to get them off the court. All You need to do is nudge them a little. Let's say maybe one of them has a recurrence of cancer, not even cancer in a vital part. Cancer of the fingernail, maybe. Or another has a little heart scare. The old ticker just misses a beat or two. Or maybe one falls and breaks a hip. I'm not asking for a compound fracture, Lord. Just a little break. Just enough to convince him to hang up the robe.
Is that really so unreasonable? I don't think so. Not if it allows our president to stack the court with conservatives.
Frankly, Lord - and I'm not being critical - I don't know why You never thought of this before. I mean, everybody knows you're a Republican. After all, aren't conservatives made in Your image? Says so right there in the Bible.
So I can't figure out why You've put up with liberal shenanigans for so long. It's been going on for decades now. Sensitivity training, political correctness, diversity. And don't even get me started talking about rights. Black rights, women's rights, Latino rights, homosexual rights. Everybody wants rights.
What I want is to get back to the good old days when we didn't have to worry so much about rights. The days when Beaver Cleaver was still on the air and Doris Day was still on the radio. The days when, if the president said you were going to war, darn it, you didn't stand around debating the matter, you went to war.
If pushing three Supreme Court justices out the door is what it takes to get back to those days, I don't think it's too high a price.
And while you're at it, could You also do something about that liberal media? I'm serious, Lord, they're a gosh-awful pain in my neck.
Again, I'm not looking for anything fatal or excessively bloody. Maybe just a plague of frogs in the newsroom of The New York Times. Or locusts could fly out of Dan Rather's backside. Something simple.
Anyway, I leave it to your judgment. Thanks for listening. And tell Jesus I said hey.