The midterm elections may be five months away, but my mailbox has been overflowing with political mail for months. As a lifelong Republican, and a former legislator, you can imagine how excited I have been to receive loads of urgent mail from such important people.
Or can you?
The National Republican Senatorial Committee has been prolific in its letter writing. I’m flattered that they know who I am and are eager for my help. At least five of their letters contained a Polk County Republican Party Area Assessment that assured me I was the only citizen living in my unique voting district to receive the document. I was impressed with the unbiased nature of the questions, such as:
The request for money did nothing to dampen my excitement. After all, as the only citizen in my unique voting district to receive the assessment, is $1,000 really too much to ask?
I was even more excited to get several letters from Speaker of the House John Boehner. He, too, wanted my opinion and money, but on behalf of the National Republican Congressional Committee. Another Boehner letter asked me to help him expose the liberal distortions and promote the truth about Republicans. All I’ve got to say is, sign me up!
The next stack of letters was from the Republican Party of Florida. My red envelopes screamed important with “Air Gram” printed right under the pre-sorted first-class mail stamp. The letter urged me to rush an urgently needed contribution of $5,000 or $7,500. It went on to ask me to consider an even larger gift of $10,000 or $12,500 because Charlie Crist is running again for governor in his quest to stroke his own ego and regain power. Pretty persuasive argument!
I even heard from Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, Wisconsin congressman and vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe. Hope my namedropping doesn’t come across as bragging; I’m just beside myself about being in their circles.
Sen. Inhofe claims to be the No. 1 conservative in the country. He says he is doing what is right for America by combating President Obama’s liberal agenda.
Paul Ryan likes to underline. In his letter requesting financial support, he emphasizes the president’s “stale liberal ideas” and his “my way or the highway” approach. As though he didn’t already have me from hello, he cinched the deal by invoking Obama’s “lawless presidency” and his “fatally flawed agenda.” Hey Paul, the check’s in the mail.
Not sure I have much left. How about some Florida folks?
U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio wrote me twice, once on Monday at 11:40 a.m. and then on Wednesday, 6:57 a.m. Marco makes his four-page letter easier to decipher with his innovative use of stars, arrows, circles and handwritten notes.
Rubio’s rallying cry is that stopping President Obama’s second-term agenda means Republicans must take back the U.S. Senate in 2014. I’m confused. It seems the GOP has successfully stopped his first- and second-term agendas without a Senate majority. But I get it — red meat.
Gov. Rick Scott wins the prize for mail both in terms of quantity and quality. First of all, thank you so much for the numerous “Stop Obama — Republican Victory 2014” bumper stickers. I had no idea Obama was running for Florida governor.
The large envelope with the picture of Obama and former Gov. Charlie Crist with the red lettering “Big Deficit Spender” really got my Republican blood boiling. And you’re darn right with your handwriting on the envelope — “If you’re tired of President Obama’s reckless agenda in Florida like I am, then let’s do something about it . . . together.”
And thanks for pointing out that Obama still defends his stimulus plan. Never mind that Florida took $12 billion in stimulus funding under President Bush and $11 billion under President Obama. You’re darn tootin’ the Obama-Crist “stimulus” package blew a hole in the annual budget.
The $670 million in stimulus funds that you accepted in 2011 and 2012 was totally different.
Well, isn’t that odd? Your Governor’s Survey seems vaguely familiar. How flattering that you, too, want me to represent thousands of Republicans in my local voting district.
Sorry I can’t afford the $2,000. I’m a little tapped out.