Congratulations on expressing interest in becoming the next Democratic leader of the Florida Senate. As you probably know, the position became suddenly available when Sen. Jeff Clemens announced he was leaving office for the purpose of “becoming a better person.”
Leaving the Florida Legislature is good start, and we wish Jeff lots of luck. We also, however, do not want to select somebody who suddenly gets the urge, like Jeff, to spend more time with his family.
So in an effort to weed out potential issues with our next Senate Minority Leader, please complete the following eight-question quiz, then go to the answer key to see how you scored, and whether you’re the sort of person we are looking for.
1. If somebody accuses you of being in bed with a lobbyist, you would say …
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(a) “Are we talking figuratively or literally?”
(b) “In the big scheme of things, aren’t we all?”
(c) “If I were, I can assure you it’s a very large bed in order to facilitate arms-length transactions.”
(d) “I’m glad you asked that question. Excuse me, I have another phone call. Bye.”
2. The biggest pitfall in having an affair with a lobbyist is …
(a) the make-up legislation
(b) the expense-account weight gain.
(c) how the words “constituent service” suddenly make you giggle.
(d) if she keeps your laptop when you break up.
3. If a lobbyist you are sleeping with keeps your laptop after you break up, you should …
(a) tell her if she doesn’t give it back, you’re coming there with O.J. Simpson to get it.
(b) tell a senator from the Republican Party what happened, and hope he knows what to do and won’t tell anybody about it.
(c) tell her if she doesn’t give it back to you right away, you won’t let her write any more laws.
(d) apologize to the other lobbyists.
4. When attempting to sleep with a lobbyist, it’s important to avoid making clumsy advances by saying …
(a) “So, do they call you Little Sugar?”
(b) “The first time I watched you walk away I could tell you were from Associated Industries.”
(c) “What do you say we take this motion to the floor?”
(d) All of the above
5. The best way to ease yourself out of the relationship with the lobbyist you are sleeping with is to …
(a) let her bills down easy.
(b) tell her you’ve been diagnosed with term limits.
(c) introduce her to a more powerful Florida legislator: i.e., any Republican.
(d) offer to buy her a brand new laptop in exchange for handing over yours.
6. When caught sleeping with a lobbyist, it’s important to assure your Democratic constituents immediately that the sex was …
(a) not consummated in the shadow of Confederate monuments.
(b) environmentally sustainable.
(c) a regrettable byproduct of white male privilege.
(d) a final hurrah before your gender reassignment surgery.
7. As a heterosexual man, you won’t embarrass the party by having sex with female lobbyists once you’re picked as the Florida House Minority Leader because you are willing to …
(a) avoid all contact with female lobbyists
(b) avoid all contact with female lobbyists who aren’t wearing burqas.
(c) avoid all contact with female lobbyists unless your campaign treasurer is in the room.
(d) try turning gay.
8. If you turn gay while trying to avoid contact with female lobbyists, you will not …
(a) use “It’s Raining Men” for your campaign song.
(b) sponsor “Speedo Appreciation Month” legislation.
(c) conduct any Key West fact-finding trips.
(d) wear Crocs again.
The correct answer for each question is choice (d).
7-8 correct: Just the sort of fellow we’re looking for.
3-6 correct: Take some time becoming a better person.
0-2 correct: Take it to Washington, my man!
The Palm Beach Post