It's every parent's nightmare: a daughter goes out at night to have fun with an undesirable person and doesn't return.

The paternal instinct suspects it but the intellect denies it. The parents are beset by guilt, fear, a feeling of loss. Then comes the devastating news.

The alleged murder of Jaclyn Torrealba at the hands of her boyfriend has shaken the values and validated the fears of thousands of parents who suspect -- sometimes with reason -- that their children are in bad company but don't know how to stop it.

For two years, Vilma Castro and Pablo Torrealba tried to persuade their daughter, a minor, to understand that her relationship with a much-older disc jockey was not in her best interests. As often happens in such cases, the teenager did not listen and, unfortunately, ended up dead.

Clearly, this is an extreme case of domestic violence, where the only person responsible is Juan Carlos Portieles, 30, who confessed to police that he had killed his girlfriend, an 18-year-old university student. No one could have prevented the tragedy.

But any parent facing what the Torrealba family has had to face would be left with a doubt: Was there something that could have been done to prevent her death?

Trying to convince a stubborn adolescent that something or someone is not good for him or her can be an odyssey.

To deliver a flat ``No'' or to implement drastic measures of vigilance simply does not work; rather, such responses are counterproductive, psychologists say. The adolescents feel invincible, invulnerable. They consider themselves adults and believe that their ability to judge is far better to that of their ``old'' parents.

TRUST IS PARAMOUNT

To listen to their elders and follow their suggestions, the adolescents must trust that they understand and value the youngsters' needs, goals and choices, Neena Malik of the pediatric psychology program at the University of Miami said. Parents must first convince their children that they understand them.

``It is not something that's easy to achieve,'' Malik said. ``If the children understand you to say that your judgment is better, they may potentially turn more rebellious.''

An example of how to approach them: ``We want to help you to have an adult relationship, but not with a person who can cause you harm,'' Malik said.

Another option -- if the parents know a child's friends and they are responsible kids -- would be ``peer pressure.'' Often, adolescents do listen to advice from their friends. The parents can contact the friends or their parents to request their cooperation, said Marta Fuentes, a psychologist in Kendall.

In addition, experts recommend that the parents arrange for the child to undergo therapy, although if the teenager doesn't want to follow the parent's advice he or she may refuse to see a specialist. And if the teen goes under duress, he or she may not heed the therapist's counsel.

``When you have a child, you can try to do many things, and sometimes, much as you try, you don't get anywhere,'' Fuentes said.

Torrealba's parents talked to her exhaustively ``to make her understand that this type of relationship was inappropriate and not in her best interest,'' her father told me.

Through a lawyer, the parents sent Portieles a letter asking him to go away. When they checked with the police, they found he had a criminal record.

`DON'T SEE DANGER'

``The kids don't see that danger,'' Torrealba said. ``As they say, you educate your children, you guide them, but they, too, have to make their own decisions.''

Still, the decisions made by a youngster may be incorrect but, if he or she gets over that stage, those decisions can change.

When life was taken from the cheerful, noble and sweet Jaclyn, her right to grow and mature was taken, too.

``When a tragedy like this occurs, the kids' eyes are opened. Many have phoned me to say, `This could have happened to me,' '' Torrealba said. ``That doesn't ease the pain, but at least you know that you can help prevent another tragedy.''

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