Q: I'm a 23-year-old woman and have never really understood the whole ``the guy pays'' thing. I like to pay my own way, but I've definitely run into situations where the guy just totally insists on paying. My mother, on the other hand, believes it's polite to let the man pay. We've agreed to let you be the final say on the subject -- depending on what you say, of course!

A: The subject has come up before. Our advice was, ``If you want to increase your chances of further intellectual discourse with the young lady, pay for the damn 21 Shrimp in a Basket,'' which was met with a chorus of boos from the bros.

Many felt they had been taken advantage of for too long, that paying for dinners and movies was a form of prostitution (``I'll pay for the Whopper Jr. in return for a French kiss and a partial hickey''), and that feminism should have taken care of this long ago.

Some of those are valid points, but we were talking about the world as it is (unfair). Here's how the who-pays relationship should evolve, according to us:

First connection: Whoever initiates the first meeting, whether it's coffee and a croissant or a weekend in Reno (hey, it could happen), picks up the tab.

First date: The guy pays. If nothing else, it helps make a good first impression by demonstrating he's not a cheapskate. If his date insists on chipping in, he suggests she can pick up the bill for the nightcap. If she becomes adamant, relent. Just remember not to go for the French kiss later.

Third to fifth date: By now she should have offered to pay for something. Ladies, here's how it's done: ``Sure, I'd love to go to dinner. My treat this time! Taco Bell again?'' Guys, you're welcome.

Established relationship: Take turns paying, or at least have a general understanding your respective outlays are roughly equal. This one can be thrown out the window if one of you is independently wealthy. In that case, get a prenup.

Male Call answers questions on etiquette, relationships, men's style and more. Write to malecall@mercurynews.com.

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