Beth and Brad Besner of Davie are still struggling with grief over the loss of their son Ian, who died 3 ½ years ago at age 11 of complications from leukemia.

But they have more than their own heartache to deal with. Their sons Grant, now 12, and Noah, 10, are also trying to make sense of the death of their big brother.

When a child dies -- or is seriously ill -- siblings sometimes feel they are on the outside looking in, left to their own devices to cope and grieve. But child bereavement experts say there are ways parents can help brothers and sisters deal with their feelings and stay connected.

The first is to be honest.

``When a member of the family is ill or dying, it's important to keep kids in the loop, because often kids will assume things are far worse than what actually is,'' says Mindy Cassel, executive director and co-founder of the Children's Bereavement Center in Coral Gables, noting that siblings can feel guilt and responsibility, even thoughts that they caused the illness or death.

``Kids are sometimes treated like second-class citizens, like they don't grieve or think like adults do,'' Cassel says. ``A lot of times information is kept from kids, but they need information to process what's going on, and they need it from the parent, not from other sources.''

``It becomes a silent secret, and if a sibling doesn't understand what's going on, it can cause jealousy and resentment,'' says Terry Varraso, a licensed clinical social worker with the Forget-Me-Not Center in Fort. Lauderdale. ``Parents are afraid to talk about it, but you have to talk about it -- name it -- and not just once, but constantly.''

Beth Besner says no one was prepared when Ian's flu symptoms led to a leukemia diagnosis in January 2006. But she had to tell her younger sons, then 9 and 7, what was going on. ``It's a very strange thing. You're panic stricken, but you want to tell them everything is OK,'' she says.

Whether a sibling is a preschooler or college student, you can explain the situation at their level, Cassel says.

``It's not just about one person. It's a family unit. If something happens to one part of the unit, it affects the others.''

The Besners worked hard to maintain some sense of normalcy. When Ian was hospitalized, one parent made sure to get home to tuck in the other boys each night. They arranged extra play dates for the younger boys to keep them busy.

After several rigorous regimens of chemotherapy, Ian contracted meningitis and died May 31, 2006.

Besner says her surviving sons were not interested in counseling, but were receptive to art therapy. Grant went through a bout of hair-pulling, she says, that was helped by biofeedback therapy.

JUST FOR KIDS

``It's hard for kids to articulate their grief in words,'' says Abby Mosher, executive director of Tomorrow's Rainbow in Coconut Creek, which offers peer support groups and equestrian-assisted therapy for grieving children.

``Kids grieve in their language -- which is play,'' she says.

At Tomorrow's Rainbow, kids ages 3 to 18 help groom miniature horses and engage in other activities.

``The kids can express their grief through play -- at the water table, the sand box, the puppet theater,'' Mosher says. ``A lot of times kids are uncomfortable with talking about themselves in the first person, so we ask them about their horse, and they will project their feelings on the horse. They'll say, `Oh, the horse feels sad today.' ''

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