Posted on Tue, Jul. 15, 2008

Q: My wife and I have accrued enormous debt. Even though creditors are always calling, she sneaks purchases into the house, which makes things worse and adds to clutter. The stress is affecting our relationship. Why can't she see what she's doing to us?

A: Your wife may not be able to see the consequences of her behavior, and her ability to control it without help may prove quite difficult. Based upon your description, she seems to struggle with overpowering obsessive compulsive traits and addictive behavior. Her need to spend compulsively is likely an effort to soothe some underlying distress such as depression or anxiety.

Compulsive overspending is not unlike other addictive behaviors such as disordered eating, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. These behaviors frequently emerge to calm internal discomfort, however, the results are highly self-destructive. In your wife's case, the compulsion to shop is the ''fix'' that provides temporary relief, yet this out-of-control behavior drains your finances and creates chaos in your home.

Dealing with addictive behavior in any family member is difficult. You want her to be happy, but it is important to realize that resolving her distress is beyond the scope of your ability. Perhaps you can express your concern about her internal pain and the importance of her not circumventing the problem by continuing to repeat this problematic behavior. If she is unable to curtail the spending, you must insist on professional intervention, as the well-being of your future together depends upon it.

Shirley C. Malove is a licensed clinical social worker.