Posted on Tue, Jul. 01, 2008

Q:I'm always so stressed out! I can't stop worrying that I'm not doing a good job at work even though my boss assures me that I am. It takes me so much time to finish projects because they must be perfect and then I doubt myself. I worry about what people think of me, so I try to please everyone. All of that drains me. I tell myself to stop worrying but it doesn't work. What can I do?

A: Merely telling yourself to stop feeling something does not work. If you attempt to block thoughts or feelings, the feeling remains (sometimes in disguised form) and your mind has to work intensely not to acknowledge its presence. In order to better understand the anxiety, it is important that you uncover the underlying reasons that lead you to feel this way. Your perfectionist tendencies are the first clue. Perfectionists are highly demanding and self-critical and tend to distort the significance of minor flaws. Work product is often viewed as a personal reflection and imperfections are intolerable. All or nothing thinking dominates, which never allows ''good enough'' to be acceptable. This extreme self-scrutiny frequently signifies the internalization of a harsh, demanding parent or significant other.

Perfectionism is also characterized by the need for control, which is reflected in your wish to please everyone. Perhaps you attempt to control others' perceptions of you through such pleasing behavior. It's important to realize, however, that you have no control over what anyone thinks. People will come to their own conclusions about you for various reasons, regardless of your behavior. In fact, attempting to please others actually gives them the control over you because your self-worth becomes determined by whether or not they approve of you.

Shirley C. Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. E-mail: shirleymalove@aol.com.