A: Your boyfriend's behavior certainly sounds confusing and it's not surprising that you are uncertain where you stand in this relationship. However, your fear of his tendency to suddenly break up seems to paralyze you and prevent you from speaking openly. Frequently, when fears are overwhelming one may attempt to allay them by exerting control over uncontrollable circumstances. Perhaps you are attempting to control the outcome of this relationship by being understanding and unassuming when he is hurtful or dismissive. The question is, can one truly control whether a relationship succeeds or not? Also, what needs of your own are you sacrificing in order to preserve this relationship? Your silence actually gives him the control and conveys the message that it's OK to treat you this way.

Your boyfriend's behavior reflects ambivalence, which may indicate intimacy difficulties that can interfere with his ability to commit. Intimacy problems originate from the earliest relationship. If the caregiver encourages dependency, criticizes and/or withdraws love when the child behaves too independently, he learns that in order to be close, autonomy must be relinquished. He may long for closeness, but fear causes him to retreat. This may explain his erratic behavior.

Shirley C. Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. E-mail: shirleymalove@aol.com.