Q: I'm so frustrated and embarrassed by my kids. When I take them out they want everything: toys, candy, whatever. If I say no, they nag, whine and cry. I try to be firm, but I usually give in just to shut them up. I know I'm wrong, but they wear me down. Why can't I just say no and stick with it?

A: Your instinct is correct because giving in doesn't solve the problem, it only reinforces your children's irritating behavior. They have learned that persistent nagging gets results. When you say no and don't stick with it, you lose your credibility. Because they have learned that you eventually succumb, it is much more difficult to extinguish the annoying behavior.

Perhaps there are reasons beyond the nagging that make it difficult to set limits. Ambivalence regarding boundaries frequently reflects parents' own internal struggles. You may fear that your children will become angry and not love you if you don't comply with their wishes. Guilt can also interfere with setting limits. Feeling resentful of the demands or not spending enough time with the children can induce guilt. It is important to remember that ambivalent feelings in all relationships are universal and expectable. Accepting these feelings will allow you to experience greater enjoyment and freedom to parent your children.

Shirley C. Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. E-mail: shirleymalove@aol.com.

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