WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND
A mother's bad behavior
Posted on Tue, Jun. 17, 2008
BY SHIRLEY C. MALOVE
Q:My daughter (age 9) has a best friend whose mother is a close friend. The mother recently misconstrued an issue between the girls and humiliated my daughter, who did nothing wrong. My ''friend'' told her daughter to tell her if my kid ever said anything mean so she could ''get back at her.'' Her daughter is outspoken. My daughter is quieter. She asked me not to say anything. What should I do?
A: To maintain trust, you must respect your daughter's request and say nothing until you explore the issue further with her. Certainly, you wish to protect her, but you also don't want to undercut her ability to handle the situation herself. Ask her why she doesn't want you to address the problem. Tell her that this mother's behavior is not appropriate and must be dealt with by one or both of you. Explain to your daughter that not addressing the incident sends a message that treating you in this way is acceptable when it is not.
Your friend's behavior is very childlike, inappropriate and intimidating. Parents who become overly involved in their children's social lives can cripple their kid's emotional development and detrimentally affect their relationships. It is important for everyone involved to model assertive behavior and express your discomfort to your friend regarding the way she treated your daughter. Perhaps you can explain that it is important to allow the girls to settle their disagreements themselves as it teaches them important cooperative skills, which will benefit all of their relationships.
Shirley C. Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. E-mail: shirleymalove@aol.com.
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