Q: My fiancé urges me to go to graduate school. He's the first person in my life to believe in me. It's my dream, but I'm afraid I won't get accepted. I know he wants his wife to be a professional. What if I fail? What if I want to stay home to raise our children? Will I regret not trying? I'm so confused.

A: One rarely knows with absolute certainty the answers to such questions, but there are some things you can do to gain clarity.

Recognizing underlying issues is an important first step. Intense fears of failure and rejection -- by a graduate program, by your fiancé -- seem to dominate your thoughts. These worries undermine your confidence to make sound decisions and prevent you from pursuing your dreams. Although no one can simply will themselves to stop feeling a particular way, you can evaluate the likelihood of your fears being realized.

Second, it is important to differentiate your needs and wishes from those of your fiancé. Some decisions, such as whether you stay home to raise children, need to be made as a couple. However, choices that are specific to you should be made mainly by you alone.

You suspect that your fiancé might find a professional wife more interesting, but pursuing a graduate degree in order to keep him interested is not the answer. It would undercut your sense of accomplishment and lead to resentment.

The best way for you to clarify any misperceptions is to discuss your feelings with your fiancé. Feeling unconditionally loved and admired by one's partner is a vital component to a healthy relationship.

Remember that most situations in life are not all-or-nothing. Perhaps you can take one class before deciding whether to apply to graduate school. You and your fiancé need to allow yourselves the flexibility to change or rethink decisions. Agreeing on this will create a comfortable and accepting environment for your life together.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Fort Lauderdale. Send questions to shirleymalove@aol.com or Tropical Life, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.

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