Q: My partner, Jason, and I were foster fathers to Juan, who unfortunately got into trouble, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and placed in a residential setting. The adoption never happened. Now Jason's sister (with addiction problems) is pregnant and wants us to raise the baby. I know my family will be very negative. They considered Juan ``damaged goods'' and will see this baby similarly. Any suggestions?

A: It is commendable that you and Jason opened your hearts and home to a child in the foster care system. Intending to adopt Juan demonstrated your heartfelt dedication to parenthood. The unfortunate turn of events must have been terribly disappointing for everyone.

When momentous events occur, such as the birth of a baby, one naturally wishes to share the joy with the entire family. Unfortunately, based upon past experience, you are expecting disapproval of your intention to raise a new baby. If your family truly believes the baby is ``damaged goods,'' no matter how you present it, their reaction is unlikely to change. Preparing to face such judgment is difficult and deflating. Tell your family you wish to share this special time only with people who are truly supportive and happy for you. Make it abundantly clear that you will not allow anyone to damage the baby's self-esteem by making degrading comments or treating her with prejudice.

You can never control what another person thinks or feels, but you can set limits on unacceptable behavior. You have the right to insist on unconditional respect for your new family.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Fort Lauderdale. Send questions to shirleymalove@aol.com or Tropical Life, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.

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