Q: My roommate was orphaned as a child. She moved next door to my family with a neglectful aunt who raised her. My family looked out for her because no one else did. Recently, we decided to become roommates. Now, she constantly asks what I'm doing, where I'm going, when I'll be back. Around my friends, she says inappropriate things and invades their personal space. My friends don't visit and I'm avoiding my apartment. I feel terrible. How do I handle this without hurting her?

A: Although you are accustomed to looking out for this young woman, it is important to recognize that your feelings are also important. Early on, you and your family assumed a responsibility for this girl because of the trauma and neglect she endured. Your altruistic stance is admirable, but there are limits. If you continue to prioritize her needs, your feelings will get dismissed and an unequal relationship will result.

Maybe you are angry that your roommate is unable to recognize that her behavior is intrusive and bothersome. Fear of hurting her stops you from directly addressing the problem, leaving you feeling powerless and more frustrated.

Perhaps you can engage your roommate in a discussion about your concerns. Assure her that you believe she has good intentions, but that certain behaviors make you or others uncomfortable. If you approach this in a collaborative manner, she may perceive your observations as helpful and be more open to suggestions for modifying her behavior. Be prepared, however, for the possibility that she may still feel hurt.

Discussing troublesome issues when they arise is an essential part of living together. As in any relationship, unresolved feelings fester below the surface.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Fort Lauderdale.

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