Q: I've been married six years to a nice guy -- maybe too nice. The problem is he doesn't confront people who treat him badly. Sometimes he hires and pays for substandard work, then we pay again to get it redone. His friends and family refuse when he asks for help even though he's always available for them. Each time he makes excuses and says it's not worth saying anything. I'm starting to lose respect for him. Why doesn't he learn?

A: Your husband's inability to address mistreatment by others reflects a diminished sense of self-worth, and his extreme tolerance conveys a message that it is acceptable to treat him badly. In his mind, others' needs and feelings are more important than his own, which makes setting limits on unacceptable behavior a challenge for him.

Perhaps his timid nature indicates a wish for approval and acceptance. What occurs, however, is quite the opposite. His overly tolerant behavior creates situations in which others take advantage of him and are rejecting and disrespectful. Or perhaps his submissive demeanor signifies an underlying fear of his own aggression, which he attempts to neutralize by overextending himself to others and ignoring unfair treatment.

It's not surprising that your respect for your husband is dwindling. Because this behavior is a pattern, one suspects that he is compelled to search out and repeat disappointing interactions. It is important that you directly discuss your observations and frustrations with your husband. This may help him see the role he plays in these negative interpersonal experiences.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Fort Lauderdale. Send questions to shirleymalove@aol.com or c/o The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.

Join the discussion

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. In order to post comments, you must be a registered user of MiamiHerald.com. Your username will show along with the comments you post. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

     Showing: Oldest first Newest first Most-recommended first Least-recommended first

@Nyx.AuthorDisplayName@ wrote on @Nyx.PostedAtTime@:

@Nyx.repliedToText@

@Nyx.replyAnswerText@

Reply to this Comment @Nyx.Recommender@ @Nyx.AbuseReporter@