Q: I'm 50. When I was 12, my parents divorced and my dad remarried and moved away. I tried to maintain a relationship, but contact was minimal.

Now he's 80 with declining health. I visited alone last summer and this year tried to arrange a trip including my husband and kids, but my stepmother said they were busy. Recently, she became furious with me for calling my terminally ill stepbrother because ``we are all suffering.'' Now I'm afraid to call Dad because I don't want to be yelled at, but I would like some contact in his last years.

A: Your attempts to reach out with little response or encouragement must have been hurtful, confusing and difficult to accept. From the beginning of his new life, your father neglected a fundamental parental responsibility by ignoring the ways in which his emotional abandonment would impact his children.

There is no simple solution to your dilemma. Your stepmother evidently exerts a great deal of control over many aspects of your father's life, and clearly excludes you from the inner circle of her family. However, she is not the only culpable party. Your father has passively allowed her to micromanage these relationships and give you mixed messages about visits.

Since she acts as gatekeeper, you probably have no choice but to deal directly with your stepmother if you wish to have contact with your father. Making sense of her hostility is challenging, but would be helpful to you. If she is dealing with a terminally ill son and a husband in failing health, it is quite possible that she feels anxious and vulnerable, and defends against her sense of helplessness with hostility.

Understanding this may allow you to empathize with your stepmother and not take her outbursts personally. If she yells at or disrespects you, let her know that you understand she is under tremendous stress but that you cannot tolerate being spoken to in that manner. If you don't address her behavior, you will likely feel resentful, which may negatively affect the limited time with your father.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Fort Lauderdale.

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