Q: My parents were happily married for 44 years. My family was very close until my mother died almost a year ago. Now my father is engaged to a woman who is only two years older than me! Is he kidding? She is redecorating and trying to take over, but still tries to be my friend and suck up. What is wrong with my father? I feel like he has completely forgotten my mother. This is ruining our relationship.

A: The loss of your mother must have been devastating to your entire family. Clearly, you are still mourning. No one can ever replace your mother or change the feelings you hold for her. It is important to remember that people grieve differently. Since your parents were married for so long, your father may find the thought of being alone unbearable. His need to share his life with another does not necessarily indicate that he has ``forgotten'' your mother. On the contrary, it may be a sign of his sense of overwhelming loss.

Perhaps your interpretation of your father's engagement reflects an underlying fear that he will forget you in the same way you believe he has replaced your mother. Given that your relationship has been close, express your concerns to him. He will likely provide you with reassurance.

It is understandable that you resent this woman's intrusion. However, is it possible that the anger and resentment is really toward your father and is getting displaced onto his fiancée? Are you certain she is insincere about trying to establish a relationship with you?

Discuss with her your discomfort with the changes she has made in the home as you are trying to hold onto the memory of your mother. She may feel a need to carve out her own space, but if she truly desires a relationship with you, she will respect your feelings and may curtail the changes. If you remain silent, an unhealthy competition may erupt between you that could negatively impact your father-daughter relationship.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. Send your questions to shirleymalove@aol.com.

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