Q:My 10-year-old daughter has taken gymnastics for awhile and is very good.

Lately she doesn't want to go. We have huge fights when it's gymnastics time, but after she gets there it's fine. If she stops, she'll regret it and blame me later for not making her stick with it. She tries lots of activities, gets bored and stops. Soon she'll be doing nothing. How can I get through to her?

A: As a dedicated parent, you are proud of your daughter's gymnastic ability and you certainly want the best for her. However, it is important to understand your need to keep her in an activity that she is clearly resisting.

Throughout the process of raising children, parents are frequently reminded of unresolved conflicts and disappointments from their own childhood. Perhaps you regret a missed opportunity from your youth and fear that your daughter will have a similar experience. Maybe you believe that strict guidance is necessary in order for her to make good decisions.

Indeed, there are many possible explanations that lead you to closely govern your daughter.

Unfortunately, if you ignore her wishes to stop an extracurricular activity that you prefer but she does not, it sets up a difficult power struggle between you. You expressed fear that your daughter will blame you if she quits gymnastics and regrets it.

However, have you considered that if you force her to continue against her will, she will likely feel resentful and blame you for attempting to micromanage her life?

Your daughter's oppositional behavior may be an expression of her need to resist you, so it's unclear whether she truly wants to quit the sport or if it is merely an act of defiance. If you are able to step out of the situation, she will have the latitude to make the decision for herself with more clarity and be less likely to regret it.

Many children need to try a variety of activities in order to determine the one that suits them. Allowing your daughter the freedom to explore her interests leads to a better understanding of herself and will provide her with a sense of self-determination.

If she selects an activity (for which you pay) or joins a team, explain to her that by choosing to do this she is committing to stay with it for a predetermined amount of time.

This will teach her responsibility to the team and respect for your financial investment.

If she chooses to stop gymnastics (or any activity), be clear that this is her choice and it will be respected.

Your relationship will benefit as a result.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. Her column appears every other week.

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