Q:I'm a single mother (kids 8 and 11), work full time and never seem to get everything done. Last month, my sister left her husband and moved into my home with her daughter. Now things are totally out of control because my niece is disrespectful and a slob and my sister isn't dealing with her. My kids are starting to act similarly. When I tell them to do anything, they ignore me or say ''in a minute'' and never do it. I want to help my sister, but this is too much. Any suggestions?

First, remember that this is your home, so you ultimately have the right to decide who lives there and which rules to set.

Single parenting is difficult on its own, and quickly becomes overwhelming with the introduction of displaced family members. You have the best intentions to help your sister but if your resentment becomes too great, it will likely have a detrimental effect on the relationship, which will not be helpful for either of you.

Because your sister is currently adjusting to the loss of her marriage, it would be devastating for her to lose your emotional support at this time. However, their turmoil is now affecting your family.

Your sister's inability to discipline effectively is probably due to her emotional distress. Your niece's irritating behavior may be an attempt to elicit acknowledgement from her mother while expressing stress over her parents' separation.

Although you sympathize with their pain, you must set limits and clearly communicate your needs and wishes while they live in your home. Discuss your concerns with your sister and collaborate on a plan of action. Encourage her to talk to your niece about their ordeal. Working together in this manner will make your home run more smoothly and provide the kids a sense of security knowing the adults that oversee them are clearly in control.

Because you have limited time to devote to household maintenance, it is imperative that you enlist the children's help by assigning chores. This is especially important with additional people living in the home. Be clear and specific about each one's responsibility in order to minimize shirking. Inform them that privileges are given when chores are completed. Stand firm and remain consistent.

Having explicit responsibilities gives kids a sense of accomplishment and recognizes their role on the family team. When a child feels competent in his abilities, his self-esteem improves. Establishing structure also creates a secure, holding environment in the home from which everyone will benefit.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. Her column appears every other week.

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