Q:My problem is that I have feelings for my best friend's boyfriend. I think about him all the time. He has let me know he's interested in me, too.

I know it's not right for me to want her boyfriend, but she used to flirt with my ex and she knew it really bothered me. I don't know if I should take this further or not. I really want to, but my friend has been there since childhood and she is important to me. I'm so confused. What do you think?

A: First, it is important to remember that feelings get stirred up for various reasons. Notwithstanding, merely having feelings does not mean they must be acted upon. One can feel an attraction to a friend's partner and not pursue it further.

In order to have a clearer perspective, it is important to understand what triggered these feelings for you in the first place. It appears that something prevents you from fully acknowledging that such a betrayal of one's best friend is forbidden.

You mentioned that she flirted with your former boyfriend. Perhaps you harbor unresolved feelings toward her because of this and cite the flirtation in an attempt to rationalize cheating with her boyfriend. Clearly her behavior with your ex-boyfriend was offensive; however, if you have an affair with her boyfriend, the betrayal is taken to another level.

Nevertheless, there seems to be an underlying hostility between the two of you that leads to retaliatory, competitive behavior. In order to alter this pattern in your relationship, you must directly and verbally express hurt feelings and end the familiar cycle of acting out.

Her boyfriend's willingness to be unfaithful is an indication that he struggles with commitment. He obviously responded to and encouraged your interest in him, which may have added to the enticement. If he is capable of betraying your friend, it is expected he will behave similarly with you. Consider whether it is worth jeopardizing a lifelong friendship for something that is unlikely to last.

Shirley Malove is a licensed clinical social worker. Her column appears every other week.

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