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80°
Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.
Items we actually purchased, although not with our own money, because we are not complete idiots.
2012: A year that kept raising our hopes, only to squash them flatter than a dead possum on the interstate.
There's nothing like taking your family on a camping trip-getting away from civilization, sleeping under the open sky, looking up into the heavens and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista of millions and millions of ... what ARE those things? Bats? Very large mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken little Ashley!
My favorite part of The New York Times (motto: ''No Longer Making Things Up, As Far As We Know'') is a weekly section that reports on things that trendy New Yorkers are doing. This section is called Sunday Styles, because it would be rude to come right out and call it Rich Twits on Parade.
Once again, our glands are swollen with pride as we present ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and sheep diseases. Mister Language Person is the only authority who has been formally recognized by the American Association of English Teachers On Medication. (''Hey!'' were their exact words. ''It's YOU!'')
Every so often, I head for Sun Valley, Idaho, because I have friends there, and because Idaho contains large quantities of nature. The problem is that my friends are never content to sit around with a cool beverage and look at the nature from a safe distance, as nature intended. No, my friends want to go out and interact with the nature in some kind of potentially fatal way.
It is time for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column approved for internal use by the Food and Drug Administration; the grammar column that puts the "dip" in "diphthong," the "vern" in "vernacular," and the "dang" in "dangling participle."
There comes a time when a man must go into the wilderness and face one of mankind's oldest, and most feared, enemies: trout.
Welcome to another episode of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column written by the language expert who recently won the World Wrestling Federation Grammar Smackdown when he kneed William Safire right in the gerunds.
According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home.
If you're one of the millions of people planning to travel by air this summer, here's some important information from the Association of Commercial Airlines:
Recently, one of our local TV news shows in Miami did a special investigative report on -- I swear -- brassiere sizes. The station promoted this report relentlessly for several days. Every few minutes, you would hear an announcer's voice saying, with an urgency appropriate for imminent nuclear attack: ''ARE YOU WEARING THE WRONG BRA SIZE?'' You would have thought that women were dropping dead in the street by the thousands as a result of improperly sized brassieres. I was becoming genuinely concerned about this problem, despite the fact that, except on very special occasions involving schnapps, I don't even ''wear'' a brassiere.
I received a letter from a reader named Dick Demers, who relates a shocking story: It seems Dick and his wife had driven a long distance to visit his wife's sister. To refresh himself, Dick went into the guest bathroom, took a shower, then dried himself off. That's the story. Pretty shocking, huh?
I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping.
It's time for my annual tax-advice column, which always draws an enthusiastic response from grateful readers.
It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash.
Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes. That's right: They have levitated a frog.
I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, 13, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: "Moo"). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that "it's a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year." Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that "wood ticks breathe through their butts."
Today we present: Laundry Tips for Guys. Many guys have trouble with laundry, because of the technical complexity involved. Even a very ''high-tech'' guy, a guy who can build a working nuclear submarine using only staples, is reluctant to attempt to do laundry, because there are so many variables:
Recently, I took part in a High Tea, which is a ritualistic British type of light meal involving a large quantity of etiquette. Generally, I do not get involved with any level of tea, even Low Tea.
When I heard that Richard Berry, the man who wrote ''Louie Louie,'' had died, I said ... Well, I can't tell you, in a family newspaper, what I said. But it was not a happy remark. It was the remark of a person who realizes he'll never get to thank somebody for something.
The other day, my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we fathers avoid the subject, because it's so awkward. The subject I'm referring to is: buying gifts for women.
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